A little something from me to you

Happy Christmas to everyone! ;)

The Song

I don't know why but I had this song playing on loop while I was doing all my tasks today. I'm sure the masochist in me enjoyed this thoroughly.

Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack/Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

OK. Got It!

What happened?
We had a little something.
Not solid but it was something.
Or maybe I was just imagining.

Just like the season,
you became cold.

What happened?
Ah... it was you playing.
I understand and that's okay.
My fault I allowed it.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
At least it happened.

Thanks for the warning.
Though it was a bit too late.
I was caught in the trap.
But I will manage to get out.

It was too good to be true.
It was after all just a game to you.



"How can I convince you, what you see is real.
Who am I to blame you, for doubting what you feel."

The Search is Over, Survivor

Temptation

There you are.
Beautifully laying right in front of me.
Appealing, tempting with the dark exterior.
Never humble and meek,
you ostentatiously rest with your assets
for my further enjoyment.

I slowly move closer unconsciously.
With every inch I draw near I absorb flashes of guilt.
Yet I still fancy the idea to be close… closer.
You lure me in to appreciate you up close.
Mindful about my obvious desire,
you use and abuse it for your selfish reasons.

I succumb and break down my defenses.
I find myself gently reaching out to you.
With my middle finger I touch your warm exterior.
I steadily glide my finger across you.
As if on a spell I guide my middle finger to my mouth
and savor the sweetness of your sweet skin

Internally I am struggling real hard.
I want to take in more of you but I know I should not.
I want to retreat but I know I have gone too far.
My lips tremble subtly with excitement to touch you.
My tongue anticipates the taste of something delightfully pleasant.
I bite my lower lip lightly to convince me this is not a dream.

I move closer now to smell your addictive scent.
With eyes closing, in one big breath I indulge.
Unhurriedly I open my eyes to see you remain magnificent.
I am ready and there is no need to overanalyze.
I am weak and I am willing to take a bite.
Who can resist a taste of a scrumptious molten milk chocolate cake?


***
Inspired by my dessert when I had lunch at Pepper Lunch last Sunday in Rockwell.

Not Healthy

Yet again I was tempted to smoke last weekend. I really should stop staying in places that will cause me to inhale second hand smoke as this will intensify the urge to breathe in the much cleaner smoke straight from one of the minions of Death disguised as a long white stick with a filter on one end and the legal substitute for something dried and leafy filling in on the other end. I told my friend, “the next time that stick will send me a very teasing invitation, I might just give in.”

My friend replied to me that the next time I will see a stick, with or without the teasing invitation, I just need to look back and say, “You are not as good as you think you are”.

Then incidentally, right on cue, I got this message through my mobile from a MD friend.

“Saw your post. Indeed, cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health.”

That simple message gave me a light mind yet a heavy heart to come up with a decision. For this, I will heed the doctor’s advice. I will not smoke anymore. Not even a puff. I replied to him with gratitude yet a tinge of loneliness as I firmly say goodbye to one of my addictions.

“I know. It is unhealthy not only for the lungs but as well as for the heart.”


P.S.
I hope this will be the last that I have to do.

Not Again

Here I go again
I told myself it is over
I told myself that I don’t want you anymore
I told myself that I will be fine without you
But then I long for you

I get to see more of you recently
That’s why it is so tempting to go back
Back to when I cannot control myself
Back to when I allow you to be my happiness
Back to when I was weak

I know it is not right and I promised
I am doing so well now and I don’t want to falter
I just have to stay strong and stay away
You are evil and you know that
You proudly wear that badge

GOVERNMENT WARNING:
SMOKING KILLS

I Don't Wanna

It started with,

“P? Are you still awake? I need you to knock some sense into me.”

Then it went on,

“…It depends on how much you are willing to risk for this guy, and if he is really worth all the paranoia the morning after.”

And then some more,

“Got ya. I was just stupid to think of a possibility when he was very vocal about him being in love with this guy..."

Finally, it ended with,

“Bad news Joaqui, bad news. Stay away. Negative vibes. You deserve far better. Be patient, okay?"


I got the last message while listening to Bamboo's cover of Waiting in Vain over imeem,





…So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
Cause I know how to do my thing
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb…

...Say
I don't wanna wait for your love...

...I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I wanna fly
I wanna fly...

Chapter VI

Yes, now I move on
Lost interest completely
Ready for new one

Chapter V

“Wow! What’s with all those stuff?”

J was shocked to see me barge in the room while he was attempting to look busy with his laptop in front of him, bags of chocolates scattered on the bed, some stuff which I thought look like from an “All 99 Store” with a pair of scissors on one hand and his phone on the other and a whole lot of mess around him. To answer my question he mumbled something about preparing for a weekend getaway with his team and arranging the gifts for their Monito-Monita.

“Exchange gifts? Now? It’s not even December yet.”

J started explaining so I pretended to listen and just nodded to show I cared. He then showed me the gifts he was planning to hand out which again signaled me to smile politely to show I cared. Then a picture of an innocent boy crossed my mind, prompting me to ask.

“What are you giving V?”

J smiled and he knew why I asked. He said that he will give every member of his team a chocolate bar, including V.

“He is cute. Was that really his boyfriend in that picture?”

His smile grew bigger almost teasing and nodded to confirm. The romantic in him started lecturing me that V could be truly in love with his boyfriend because clearly looks was bypassed. Then in an instant the cynic in him thought out loud that V could be in it for financial reasons.

“True love? Blah! Financial reasons? I doubt. His boyfriend does not even look rich. Not at all!”

He clearly got the joke and laughed so hard. He then started talking about V’s unfaithful ways. He reiterated that it could be not serious at all because V still goes out on dates. He further told me about their little conversations at work about V’s plans to meet new people. Getting a hint from his words I picked up a chocolate bar and handed it to him.

“Give him an extra bar! And tell him that it’s from me.”

He giggled and asked me to write a note for V. He handed me a pen and a piece of paper with some corny Christmas saying that he got somewhere online.

“What will I say?”

He continued arranging his gifts totally ignoring my question. I thought the message should be nice, simple and sweet but definitely not corny. It should be witty, a little flirty but still a bit classy. Pathetically, the best I could come up with was,

Extra chocolate for someone extraordinary like you. :)

J retrieved the piece of paper from me and asked me to close the door when I leave as to not disturb him from his tasks. I obliged, no questions asked. With a meek smile I closed the door behind me as I optimistically open a new door towards another attempt to find that crazy little thing called you-know-what.

The Promise: The Finale

I broke away from the crowd to find myself a beautiful spot. I wanted to be separated from the rest of the world so I can enjoy the imminent coming of something magical. I was ready. I was waiting and anticipating for a magnificent show.

Magical lights flew from left to right. Flickers of light filled the sky as if they were dancers of a well rehearsed and wonderfully choreographed dance number. Violet, green, blue and red took turns to strut their magnificence in the early evening sky. I was amused and amazed at the same time. Every second brought little joys to my heart that I indulged willingly. When the beautiful sparkles threatened to expire, one final blow lit up the overwhelmingly dark sky. And on that glorious final strike my dull evening sky glistened with the magic, magnificence and beauty of a face of someone I was certain I saw before. It was the face of someone I will be meeting the day after. It was your face that my eyes saw and it was you that my heart believed will bring fulfillment to my little romantic dreams.

The dream that one morning I will wake up and it will be you and your adorable smile patiently waiting for me to open my eyes so we can start the day together. A dream that one breezy afternoon I will enjoy the sunset and it will be you walking beside me and holding my hands as we talk about everything and nothing at all. A dream that one night I will sleep in a warm embrace after a soft and gentle goodnight kiss and it will be your voice I will hear whispering to my ear “I love you.”

Yet just as how the wonderful lights vanished, so did the flicker of hope that it might be you who will fulfill my silly little romantic dreams. If only it was not complicated and if only I was not bounded by a promise to a friend, I would have risked it. It is just that I value that friendship and I put it on a pedestal much like how I raise up the value of romantic relations. I would never ever consider friendship second best for it is more lasting than some romantic relations. A friendship for me is not a step back but a move forward towards something rewarding and fulfilling.

Now, as I slowly but decisively blur you out my romantic snapshots, I will continue to look up to my dark evening sky and wait for the next blast of radiance that will show the face of that someone who will not only be present in my romantic snapshots but also in the fulfillment of my silly little romantic dreams.

These Days

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Before it gets ugly
Before it turns to something messy
Before it gets too much for me

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Because you are unstable
Because you are unpredictable
Because you are incapable

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Now that I don’t understand you anymore
Now that I don’t feel secure with you anymore
Now that I don’t know you anymore

I'll say goodbye for the two of us
For I will be okay without you
For I will go on without you
For I will enjoy these days without you

*****
These days the world's alright
The sun shines bright
I'm kicking off the bad dreams
These days I don't think twice
I walk on light
I'm positively somewhere

-These Days by Jennifer Paige

Getting There

I thought it was an act
A front to keep people away
But it was not
That was the real you

All is clear now
I accept
I don’t care anymore
You are who you are

I expected you would
Like I did
But you didn’t
I accept
I don’t care anymore

I know you don’t care
I understand
I accept
And I don’t care too
At least not anymore

Flaws were bypassed
I placed you on a pedestal
I’m taking them all back
I see every detail now
And you don’t deserve to be there
I am stripping off your supposed grandeur
Well, at least in my eyes

You are who you are
Self-indulgent and often unmoving
That’s you and that’s fine
Or at least that’s who you donned
That’s not who I want
I was foolish, I admit

Now I can laugh at my stupidity
Now I can be me again
Now I will be seen clearly again
Fading away is passé

Saving Joaqui

I’m fading away
I’m fulfilling a promise
Self-preservation

The Promise: My Rainbow

"What happened to the entry?"

"I posted, edited, revised it then posted it again then edited once more and then revised it all over again. I did that for several times and ended up not publishing it at all."

"Is it that bad?"

"Nope. It's just prolly there is no need for me to fade away."

*****

"... What happened to the blog? Why did you delete it?"

"What I wrote did not really translate what I truly feel. Somehow, I felt it lacked sincerity."

*****

The initial entry for this was supposed to be published three days ago. However, as mentioned in the exchange of messages I had with a couple of friends, I decided to pull it back. Instead, the decision that I came up with is to publish the part where it mattered the most. I know, this may be a little hazy for those who are trying to paint the big picture but I hope you understand that it is done intentionally. Not that I don't want you to see the whole picture but because I am not ready to show it. Here goes the part where I felt laid the essence of it all.


After talking to a friend, I resolved that you will just have to be my rainbow. Just as how Doctor Mcfitch would put it, “someone who caused me to be foolish on what I see and feel, someone who made me embarrassed with affection and pain; someone I yearn for but I could never and would never have; someone who will be within my arms' reach but I would rather not touch; someone who will come and brighten up my new day, but will be gone when everything is clear.”

Yet if by chance the wrath of cupid will hit me and you, my rainbow, will land in the palm of my hand, I will have to lay you down for my hands are tied to a promise. A promise I will honor in the name of friendship.

The Promise: A Prequel

"I know you well."

":-) you know what I will do next."

"I just hope you do the right thing."

"I'll fade away."

Haiku For You

infatuated
yet totally one-sided:
story of my life

Not Anymore

It was the usual for me as I was making my way to work --- the usual time, the usual mood, the usual route. Then you called. Now, that’s unusual. I was unsure in answering your call. I decided not to instead I sent you a message explaining why I can’t talk that time. This was the first time you reached out after some time so I asked you to call again but you didn’t. I sent another message, yet I got no reply.

After a while you called again. I answered. You were in distress. I was worried. You wanted me to meet you somewhere near your place. I seriously considered.

I have known you for more than a couple of years now and in your ways you helped me somehow. You were the stronger one between us two and I drew my strength from you at times. You were the matured one with your unsolicited advices. I remembered there was this time that I was close to falling apart and you were there to keep me intact. You had diversionary tactics that kept me away from my predicament, which by the way, were very effective. And for that I felt the need to be there for you --- as a friend.

We were exchanging messages and somehow you were hinting me of your problem. I gave you some words of advice hoping to help ease your trouble. I know you don’t drink a lot but you confessed on downing more than your limit. I expressed my sincere concern and I was thinking of ways on how to help you with your situation. I really wanted to be there for you and comfort you like what a friend does to another.

Then I got this message.

“Sex tau.”

Taken aback, I just stared at my phone. I wasn’t quite sure what to feel. I was confused all of a sudden. All I could muster to reply was,

“is that just why you wanted me to go there?”

I felt objectified. Suddenly, I felt trivial, arbitrary even. I felt I was tricked. I wasn’t sure anymore if you were indeed in a difficult place. You were down and low and I was offering you my hand to help you stand up from where you lay but you wanted to grab something else between my legs.

After a while, I felt bad for not being a friend to you but I was not the kind of friend you needed that time. Looking back, you did not need a friend that time, you did not need me. You just wanted a fuck. You wanted some 20-minute-saliva-sharing-heat-diffusing-bodily-fluid-excretion-after-some-heavily-humping-and-stroking solution but I cannot give you that. No, not anymore.

Green Light

Last month, I went to Bohol with a few friends and it was a blast! Armed with sunblock lotions with SPF 48 and 45, I enjoyed every single bonding moment under the sun. However, when I went back to Manila, I was dismayed to know that the lotions I generously smothered on my body were no match to the mighty sun. I still got sunburns and they hurt for a while that I swore not to do it again.

When I was getting ready for work earlier, I was delightfully surprised to receive a message from one of my friends from that Bohol escapade. We exchanged a few messages which went a little something like this.



J: Pssst.

JM: Hey, What’s up?

J: Nothing really. I just miss you. :) I am just looking at the pictures of us two. We had fun, right?

JM: Yeah. Sure, we did.



With a sweet message like that plus remembering all the fun we had, I will surely do it again without thinking twice. If and when we will have another getaway with maximum sun exposure, I will not hesitate to go. I will just need to find me another sunblock lotion with higher SPF though.

Yellow Light

This morning when I woke up and checked my phone, I noticed a message from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The message was not grand at all in fact it was very simple and even common nevertheless, it made me smile.

This afternoon when I sat down and went online, I noticed a message from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The message was not grand at all in fact it was a bit bitter and a little sweet nevertheless, it still made me smile.

This evening when I stood up and logged in, I noticed messages from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The messages were not grand at all in fact they were hardly charming and at times even disconnecting nevertheless, I still smiled... after I gently shook my head.

Red Light

I stopped.

A red light gave me the signal to stop.

The light used to be bright green.
Then some seemingly trivial stuff made it red.
Those little things did matter to me.
Yet you treated them differently.

Now, I am unsure if I want to move forward.
The future seems bleak.
I am also very doubtful to step back.
I have had enough of that.

What I am certain is…

I stopped.

Just Before Midnight

What do you do when it sucks to be you?

It sucks that I am unworthy to receive what is given to me. And even if I am worthy, it sucks that I may not be ready to receive what is given to me. It sucks that I am even whining over what could be somebody else’s dream. And for that, the more I feel unworthy. I do not deserve all these. It may seem that I am ungrateful but I am not. I am grateful and I appreciate it… truly.

It sucks that what I want may not be deserving of what I want to give. And even if he is worth it, it sucks that I am settling for something less than what I deserve. I am more than a third of that you can give. It sucks that at one point I considered it. It sucks that I suck at the game I tried to play; the game that I continue to play.

It sucks that I may never get the chance to walk this path again but I cannot seem to make my feet stop. It sucks that this may be the start of what I have been waiting for but I cannot seem to figure out what to do first. It sucks that I do not know what to do.

Maybe I just love myself too much that I am afraid to get hurt. But if I truly love myself, I should allow myself to be loved. But should I, even if what I get is a piece of a whole? Should I, even if I feel that I don’t deserve it?

So what do you do when it sucks to be you?

Die.

If only I have the guts.

I want to take a bite of that apple and feel the sweetness of death. I want to touch that spindle and be in a peaceful slumber. Then one day, that fateful day, my prince charming will come, take me away and bring me to his castle far away. Just like a fairy tale.

Just like a fairy tale. I just want a happy ending. Not just for myself but for you and you as well. It pains me that we may have our happy endings separately. The happy ending drafted for you and you too may not have my name written there.

And just before the magic wears off at the stroke of midnight, I close my eyes and sit still to hear what my heart is whispering.

"You deserve to be happy and you sir needs to learn how to be happy."

Just Press Play

Don’t play your games on me.
I know your tricks already.
I’ve seen you playing with my own eyes.
How smoothly you deliver those lies.

Don’t call me baby, please.
I don’t want to disturb your boyfriend’s peace.
Please learn to do it correctly this time.
It’s about time you reach your prime.

Don’t ask me that stupid question.
I know you just want some empty affirmation.
How can you ask me that over and over again?
Do you know that it drives me insane?

Don’t dare me to jump in.
I don’t want to dive in to a sin.
They may push it to be just normal.
But hey, I can still control this animal.

Don’t think I am like the others.
Clearly, you got it all wrong, brother.
It may seem to you that I’m about to fall.
But let’s just see who’s got who under control.

Dejavu

Once again, it was the time of day when I do my habitual walk. So, I passed by familiar spaces with the feeling still of a total outsider. Each visit felt like the first time for me so I relish every stride with no need to hasten. Each visit differed from the last time and the last space. At times I lingered more than the usual and other times I leaped in an instant upon seeing no difference.

After a few stop over, I paced myself to the next one. I did not notice a new arrival until I indulged my eyes further and gave in to sheer curiosity. I sat down, staring at the space trying to absorb all I can without making any assumptions. I noticed some people took the same excursion and left some things behind to remember them by. I checked each one of them and was drawn to one that felt like talked to me directly. I tried to contact the person who left it there. I was stirred. I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to hear answers. I wanted to seek advices.

I scrambled to the nearest clinic to fulfill this sense of urgency but the doctor was out. With no one to ask questions to, no one to hear answers from, no one to seek advices from, I inhaled deeply taking in untainted cold air. I slowly closed my eyes and asked the questions aloud hoping to hear answers that will eventually transform themselves to advices that will hint me of what to do next.

I got no reply. I let it pass.

I just thought, maybe the answers I needed were out partying on a weeknight.

I again took in a mouthful of untainted cold air as I open my eyes wishing for the same effect when I spoil myself with damaged air. Unfortunately, my lungs knew better and it recognized the disparity.

So, I stood up though stirred I remain unmoved. I waited with no clear vision of what I'm waiting for. I waited some more until a wave of familiarity knocked me off my feet. This happened before. Different medium, different time, but very similar expectations, very similar demands.

I continued to walk but this time I took a different route but with very similar stride. I took one step after the other memorizing each stroke totally unmindful of the destination. It made me think again why I do my walks alone. I do not want to be pushed to reach the end prematurely nor do I want to be pulled by my hand to hasten the journey.

I like it slow for it gives me the luxury to enjoy the sights and sounds that adorned the way. Sometimes, when everything around me goes by so fast I put value on the journey. I try to enjoy every minute of it as I see right before my eyes how things fall in their proper places all in perfect timing.

Just One of Those Nights

It started with a message from my brother last Saturday morning. Although it has been lingering for quite some time now, somehow I have learned to deal with it. But then sometimes the cup empties sooner than we expect. Now, I am back to where I was after watching Daybreak.

I have a family, though faraway, I know cares and loves me unconditionally. I have a very good set of friends that is always there for me. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. I go to bed alone. I sleep alone.

Tonight I will settle with Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan serenading me with ABBA songs with the hope of supressing what is imminently coming. I will be content with those adorable stares from John Lloyd Cruz and be lost and suspended from my own reality. Tonight I will survive with a bottle of wine left from a dinner date on my left hand and a freshly opened pack of flavoured cancer sticks on my right.

I know tonight will pass and it will gloriously end in a dream. And tomorrow is a new day. A new week, a new beginning.

And when the cup is threatened to be empty again, I will always have my wine and cigarettes.

I just wonder, how many bottles and packs do I need to last me a lifetime?

Better Than That

What is all these I am hearing?
The rumors are so condescending.
Where did you get all those stories?
Are they answers from your queries?

I cannot believe you will go to this extend.
Pushing and shoving me down no end.
I do not remember doing anything to you.
You better clear this up with your beau.

What I have with him is friendship, that is it.
In no way I will consider this a romantic stint.
It may seem that we have some sort of connection.
It is just that I can provide him mental stimulation.

Please back off before I get pissed.
You will not like it, that I promise.
You are barking at the wrong tree.
What makes you think I am the enemy?

I did not steal your boyfriend, put that on record.
He would not have looked somewhere else if he was not bored.
So, please stop going around saying all those things about me.
Isn't it you who have that kind of reputation, honey?

Quick Trip

I stepped in calm, collected and a bit tired as I positioned myself somewhere I can be detached from everybody. Impossible really but I looked for a place where I can be safe from the crowd. It was stupid for me to think that I can actually isolate myself in a place known to be jam-packed with people. Oh well, I needed this so I have no right to be, for the lack of a better term, diva-esque. This was nothing new to me. I have been here before with different kinds of people. Some of them I personally know but mostly were strangers. I have seen the motions and I even participated. This time, I conditioned myself, it was no different.

There I was, leaning my back on something cold and white, trying to relax as I get the feel of the whole scene. Minutes passed by and it was intensifying right before my eyes. It was just a matter of time when I will be consumed with the whole scene and be engaged in it all.

He moved in front of me. I was unprepared and unguarded. He was moving so close for comfort and I just closed my eyes in awkwardness. I opened my eyes to take a glance of his face but I was unsuccessful. He was approximately of the same height as mine and his built was something I envy. I breathed in taking in a bit of his scent which I thought could have been better. I glanced at my watch and then I understood. He probably sensed I was a bit uneasy so he apologized. I acknowledged his apology with understanding wrapped in silence. His voice convinced me that he was worth it and I needed not see his face to allow myself to be lost in the motions. I held on to that wonderful voice being replayed on my mind several times. His body was now rubbing against mine and I can just wish for time to stand still. Though we were both uncomfortable I would not mind to be stuck there for a few more minutes. I welcomed the warmth of his body dedicated to me when his muscle-toned back touched my tanned chest. His head was annoyingly restless that his coarse hair touched my smooth face. Again, it could smell better if he wished for it but then again, I understood. He mumbled words of apologies again which I accepted without complaints. When I heard his voice one more time, my imagination went on auto-pilot bringing me to my paradise with this man with me now. Then it dawned on me that anytime now, it will reach a fate similar to all trips. I opened my eyes with the harshness of reality. I squinted and frowned knowing that it was time. I closed my eyes again hoping I will be able to escape this reality but then that familiar voice reminded me that I won’t.

“Ortigas Station. Ortigas Station. Please don’t block the way of entering and leaving passengers. Next station, Santolan Annapolis Station.”

****

As I stepped out of the train, he smiled and apologized once more for the push and occasional bumps of his head to mine. I faked a smile in acceptance of his apology. He kept his smile and I was drawn to him. He had this nice smile and cute dimples, sexy jaw line and that Piolo-like mole near his adorable eyes. All in all reminiscient of Spanish Telenovela star.

“Sorry ulit kuya.”

I smiled back this time with all sincerity and I walked away keeping that smile whispering to myself,

“that's ok”.

Homework

Logged on.

Checked the account.

Noticed being followed.

Shocked.



Checked the account.

Gained interest.

Tried reaching out.

Failed.



Please check profile.

Please edit.

Please.

Smile

Smile.
It’s free.

I rarely see you smile lately.
I rarely see the guy that visits you frequently.

Why?
Is he gone?

I used to love him, you know?
Ridiculous really, I know.

C’mon, smile.
It’s free.

Show the whole world your beauty.
Do not sulk in this wretched tragedy.

How?
Is this your first time?

I was in your place before, you remember?
And you were in mine, I remember.

So c’mon smile.
It’s free.

Grateful

After watching some inspirational DVD a few days back, I learned to remain calm and positive even when things are going berserk. I learned to think of happy thoughts that will make me feel good then channel my thoughts to what I want to happen.

So when it is raining really hard on a Tuesday night and I just really need to go to work to catch up with all one hundred work-related emails I missed the day before, I just paint a mental picture of Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. Half-and-half. And just like that, it brings smile to my face eventually making me feel fuzzy and warm inside despite the coldness of the weather. From there, I begin to channel the imminent stop of the rain, the passing of an available taxi in that unfriendly street and the absence of that torturous traffic that rain and rush hour bring.

To my own benefit and amusement plus slight surprise, it was effective in some level so it is just proper to remain positive and be grateful for it. So as a sign of gratitude, I would like to give Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. Half-and-half credit for a great weekend, that great start of the week and hopefully a great month slowly unfolding.

Thanks Eli. Thanks you*.

*You told me you didn’t get my message and you were unsure if it was for you. After reading this, I hope you now understand that it was indeed for you. You were my happy thought that led me to have that wonderful weekend that I wanted. With much appreciation, once again I say thank you.

All in One Night

The usual Bed scene was at full swing when I arrived a little over two o’clock that night. It was crowded with PLUs from across the whole gay spectrum; from the newbies to the experts, from the softies to the toughies, from the obvious to the ambiguous. The music was expectantly fabulous and the lights were unexpectedly bright. Everyone was moving either lost in the rhythm or lost in the crowd and looking for their buddies. I weaved my way through the Dean and Trents, F&Hs, People are Peoples, Topmans and what-have-yous to reach my favorite spot. This spot gives me a decent view of the guys dancing on the ledge with gorgeous bodies and faces that makes you want to scream, “wow, dear god” to the occasional “why dear god”. As I was doing the routinely ocular inspection I was surprised to see three guys I never expected to see in one night, Mr. I-will-not-have, Mr. I- cannot- have and Mr. I-did-not-have.

*******

Mr. I-will-not-have is probably the best looking PLU I have ever seen. He has eyes that could melt your heart, smile that could get him a spot in a toothpaste commercial (with dimples to match) and skin close to perfection. His aura was so overwhelmingly humble when in fact he has all the reasons to be boastful. He was wearing what I thought he wore when I first saw him, a green polo shirt, denim pants and green cap. He was with a different guy this time but the whole motion was so reminiscent with the last time. His companion donned this expression of conceit for being with the arguably best looking guy in the bar yet every time Mr. I-will-not-have was approached by other guys he would shrink to a speck in an instant. More than a couple approached him that night but I was content to look at him from afar. I am contented with the occasional eye-to-eye contact that we have that does not fail to make me smile. Looking from afar, also gave me a clear view of the motions. He is not to be blamed if a lot of guys showed interest in him same thing as his companion is not to be blamed to feel conceit one minute then reduced to a dwarf the next minute in instances like that. For that very reason, I know I will not have him for I know I am not equipped for that constant emotional roller coaster ride.

Mr. I-cannot-have is a celebrity of some sort. I first saw his pictures online when he joined some kind of beauty pageant for PLUs. He has a strong jaw line, beautiful smile and smooth skin all-in-all totaling to a boy next door look yet his body would tell you that he is no longer a boy. He is a man with well developed muscular body and tattoos of what seemingly his dreams on his broad shoulders. I never knew much of him until I saw him in a reality television show. Although I personally think he looked better when I saw him in a shop of People are People a few months back, I still made it a point to catch him every week on the show and get my weekly dose of his smile, personality and body. I know a lot of people are turned off with him but I just couldn’t get myself to join them. He has this certain effect on me that transcends words. It is not hazy to me that we may be worlds apart. He is a celebrity and the closest that I can get to that status is being teased to look like one. I also distinctly remember him saying that he is not into long-term relationships, it just so happens that I prefer one.

Mr. I-did-not-have is an acquaintance I met through a colleague. He was one of the people I met during my baptismal to the Bed scene. He is kind of short yet he has a face that could make him stand tall. He has a smile that could make some guys swoon and his style was something most guys would like to own. Every time we meet we exchange casual hellos and goodbyes. Though at times I can feel some sexual tension in some of our unexpected encounters, I learned to brush it off each and every single time. When I was introduced to him he was then so into my colleague which baffled me no end. Now that their relation is estranged, I still cannot get past the fact that he first met my friend. I may be attracted to him still but I resolved that I am not my friend’s recycle bin.

*******

The music was getting louder and the lights were getting busier. I closed my eyes and let the loud music silence me even just for a few seconds. I submitted myself to the wave of the rhythm splashed all across the bar. I slowly moved my body and allowed to be consumed by the energy pumped inside the bar. Every bump of another body to mine fed the energy and convinced me to continue. Then out of nowhere, I felt a unique bump from the back. I felt the warmth of the body that was seemingly familiar. It had a comforting effect on me. I slowly opened my eyes and gave a final glance to the Mr. I-will-not-have, Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. I-did-not-have. I then looked back and acknowledged what I have.

Happy Pill

My friend arrived from school one day and she was a little too perky than she usually is. She was going around with the “too-happy-vibe” slashing everyone with how are you?s in the most pitchy and bubbly tone ever, beating any fast food chain cashiers or sales consultants in high end stores. Imagine that accompanied with an annoyingly infectious smile and it was a little too much for me to bear. One of our housemates, probably overwhelmed with the whole situation took the lead and asked her,

“Are you ok?”

“Of course,” she replied as she turned to her next “victim”.

“How are you, Joaqui?”

This was the fourth time she asked me that since she arrived which was just barely ten minutes back. I replied each and every single time trying to match her “too-happy-vibe” resulting to an imminent migraine attack, stomach upset and tension from head to toe on my end. This time around, I answered her question with another question,

“Why are you so freakishly happy today?”

“Because… Hmmmm, do I need a reason to be happy. I just am? Am I weird-ing you out?”

“Ahmm… yeah?!”

“Why?”

“Because people aren’t supposed to be happy. Happiness is a myth purported by those who excommunicated themselves from reality. Being happy does not fit the status quo. People are naturally sad and they are to stay that way in their lifetime. So when you are happy, you are not ok. Ok?”

“That’s sad.”

“I know.”

She fell silent for a few moments convincing me that I was able to exorcise whatever bad spirit that took over her well maintained and pampered body that day. I closed my eyes for a quick second as I inhale deeply feeling the victory over the whole situation when four ungodly words pierced my ears in that all too familiar pitchy and bubbly voice,

“How are you, Joaqui?”

Damaged

Thoughts drown me in their multitude
as they undulate with vigor and range.
I struggle and panic to get release
yet efforts serve futile for I am taken in.

All in my solitude I am consumed.
All in my solitude I am abused.
I want escape and I want it now.
I may be ready for my final bow.

Head above water I grasp for air
not just the ordinary kind will suffice.
I need it unclean, corrupted and damaged
by some expensive strawberry flavored stick.

As I inhale I feel control.
And another one it reaches my soul.
I close my eyes momentarily to gain focus.
I close my eyes to avoid a view of a circus.

Enlightened. Pacified.
It stopped. It settled.
I relaxed. I smiled.
Once more, I survived.


***

This was written with TLC's "Damaged" on loop on my online mp3 player. I heard this song on our way back to Manila from Tagaytay last weekend. Although I haven't heard the song for a long time and this was not exactly the last song I heard but I found myself singing the chorus every now and then ever since.

Camille, this is for you. :)

Long Distance Affair

I never really cared about the glances that you threw my way once in a while.
I was keen on the others that paid me no mind.

Until one day curiosity hinted me of you.

More than surprised, I was intrigued.
Confused even.
You don't seem to belong.
Then why the attempted connection?

I played along and returned the favor.
We both played around with our eyes.
Until you became a habit of mine.
Too easily acquired yet difficult to break.

Eventually you stepped it up with a half-smile.

I just couldn't ask for anything more.

I will not ask for anything more.

Detached and guarded, that's what you are.
While careful and coward I settle.
We both understood that was the farthest we could go.

You showed your effort and so did I.
Yet they were all weak and undependable.

For you stayed there as I waited for you here.

Better this way, I thought

Stepping it up will make
your presecence common,
your glances normal,
yoru half-smiles annoying.

Better this way, I know

when your prescence is appreaciated,
your glances exciting
and your half-smiles satisfying.

You remain,

my lover from afar.

Message

At 3:49 in the morning, I am sitting in front of my computer with the welcome page of my email account laid before my eyes.

It has been more than 24 hours when I last sent a message your way yet after checking my mailbox triple the times than I usually do in a day I am frustrated to see no response. It was just the other day we were sending messages back and forth as if we were just communicating through instant messaging. This change puzzles me a bit.

I gather all frustrations as I inhale deeply then release them all in one hearty exhale. Feeling a lot lighter now, I smile.

It’s funny how mystery can be so engaging.
I don’t know you yet I long to hear from you.

You are not obliged to respond at all.
Yet I hope you obligate yourself to do so.

As always, no one else to blame why I am in this predicament.
No one… just me, myself and I for hoping… for expecting.

Now, as the bold blue letters from the screen in front of me shout,

0 message(s) received

I whisper to myself with a smile lightly glazed with pain,

“Yes, I get the message."

Man in White

After watching some overrated Hollywood film which I barely remember the title now, we went to the food court to grab a bite. I would have wanted to go somewhere else but then I was late in our rendezvous earlier so that waived my privilege to have the final say. With the waves of people in the food court around that time, we surfed our way to the long line of the stall that sells this famous local cold dessert. With my friend in line to order, I made myself useful by finding us a spot where we can enjoy this sumptuous dessert.

I was scanning for a nice spot for us when I saw this vision in white. He was wearing a plain white shirt, dark denim pants and the ever dependable chucks. His face was flawless, I tell you and the hair, well, it was a little longer to my liking yet tossed just right to make it some kind of attraction on its own. His broad shoulders and well developed arms gave hints of his regular gym visits. (Un)consciously, I moved closer to where he was and tried to find a spot near him. I would hang around the adjacent tables waiting for the occupants to leave even though there were available tables a few meters away from where I was. I couldn’t help myself from looking at him every chance I have. And to my delight, our eyes met and it was glued for 5 divine seconds which will now be etched in my memory forever. I was expecting he would look away but he didn’t. I was probably turning red by now when he stood up, extended his arms towards me and flashed his very charming smile and said,

“Hi Joaqui! Kumusta na?”

O-M-G! Is he talking to me? Did I hear it right? Did he just call out my name in perfect enunciation? Why is he extending his hand towards me? Was I that obvious that I wanted to touch him? Can I just hug him instead? Is he talking to me? Is this some kind of divine intervention for me to meet my destiny? Is Cupid together with the cosmos conspiring to bring happiness and joy to my life? Is he talking to me?

After some awkward silence and eventually realizing that he was actually talking to me, I shyly replied while extending my hand to meet his and lock it in a grip,

“I am good. Thanks, you?”

He had a firm grip that I did not want to let go. When we touched I swear I heard the voices of angels singing a very romantic song in perfect pitch and this convinced me that this was arranged by the heavens above. I then felt as if it was just him and me there in that crowded floor. Then as if my eyes were playing tricks on me, everything seemed to be moving a lot slower than usual. My heart was beating so fast as if sending some weird binary code to him through that palm-to-palm connection.

“Suplado ka na ah!” He said jokingly simultaneously releasing the grip.

I gave a weak laugh combined with extremely wide smile, just enough to make me look a like a retard then followed by the words,

“Hindi naman.”

“Sige, I’ll go ahead. See you around.”

“Sure. Ingat.”

"Ok, ikaw rin."

He gathered his stuff and then flashed once more his smile adorned with pearly whites and dimples to match. It was followed by a soft nod then he turned away and moved along. I was smiling so much that it hurts as I watch him get lost in the crowd.

Then with eyebrows trying to converge, forehead forming unflattering lines and pained smile transforming to a bratty pout, I stood in total bewilderment with only one thing on my mind,

“who is he?”

Daily Doze at Work

It has been a habit of mine to count the number of hours of sleep I had every time I wake up. If I slept for less than seven or eight hours, which are considered decent sleep hours for me, I make sure I get naps so that I will not be sleepy at work and I can forego my date with Mr. Pillow in the sleeping quarters.

Today, however, was different. I only had four hours of sleep thus I am so sleepy at work. I finished what I had to do today early on so I think I am entitled to do whatever I want to do in the remaining hours before I log off so long it does not go against our company values. I can doze off here in my station if only I have utter disregard to the feelings of my colleagues who are currently laboring to complete their daily reports. Or I can do advance work if only there are pending work that needs my attention. Or I can go to the sleeping quarters for a tryst with Mr. Pillow if only there is a vacant bunk for me which I am certain there is none at around this time. Or I can have a cup of coffee and cigarettes if only I have not restrained myself from those addictions. Or I can have my daily fix of the blog world if only I did not take care of that earlier.

I could never get enough of blogging so I opted to indulge myself some more with blogs. Since I already visited and commented on the blogs I frequent, I am cornered to write a new entry for my own. It will be nothing like the previous entries. No rude awakenings or life realizations. No memorable experiences or quotable quotes. This will be a regular one just to keep me awake.

Forgive me if this is bland and scrambled-egg like in thoughts.

I just needed to be awake.

Attack

I am doing this to you because I crave for your attention.
I have shown hints yet you totally brush it aside.
Instead you went after my better looking friend.
Instead you hang out with my other friend.
I don’t understand why you didn’t choose me.

We did spend time together yet I had to pay dinner for that.
We did go out together yet I had to pay your drink that night.
I have had enough of the waiting game.
Get a taste of my vengeance for it is sweet just like you like it.

I will embarrass you in front of many people.
So what if I will get unnecessary attention?
I’m an attention whore, didn’t you know?

Class? Courtesy? Respect? What are those?
Don’t distract me with foreign lingo.

Joaqui_Miguel, you are going down!

A Side Table Note

I’m done.
I’m spent.
I’m empty.

I tried everything to experience a different fate.
I did all I can do just to steer clear from this path.
Unfortunately, I failed... failed miserably.

That is why I’m here,
rambling instead of celebrating.
Lying with my precious rubies drenched in white linen.

I’m tired.
I’m sick.
I’m bored.

I trace the very steps I have avoided for years.
I feel in my very core what I have felt ever since.
Now, I can say I did give it a try but it is the same.

Nothing is changed.
Nothing made it better.
Nothing at all.

I feel the rush escaping my body,
running away from its confinement.
I have decided that it is time for me to go.

Ready or not, I just have to.
No turning back now.
Finally, something I wanted is really happening.

For all my life were filled with silly disappointments.
From my unwelcome conception to my mediocre existence.
My life was a waste of space and time.

I was dead before my death.
I was finished even before I started.
I will be going away before my time.

The consolation I get is the bright light I see now.
The sound of angels singing in perfect harmony.
It assured me that I need not fear.

I will be welcomed there.
I know I will be taken in.
I will finally be loved.

How could I not be?
I ought to have a happy ending.
After all I went through, I deserve it.

As I take your applause proudly.
As I tearfully do my final walk.
I wave to all of you who cared.

I say “Thank you” for caring.
I say “I’m sorry” for not.
Enough words, enough jargon.

I bid farewell to you and you Sir as well.
I crossover with a simple thought and a smile.
Happiness is just 3 inches deep and 1 centimeter wide.

My Addictive Affair

I promised not to get near you ever again
I promised not to think of you again even
I promised to fulfill my promises to myself
Yet, once again, failure I accept

Standing before you now, weak and resigned
All of my pride painfully I unbind
Just so I will be able to touch you again
Just to take you in me once again

One touch is all it takes and you know I am yours
You will be welcomed and cradled in my hands of course
As our lips reunite I know I have reached a point of no return
I want you here and now, and I am not concerned

As always you are warm in my hands
And that familiar feel on my lips, I cannot resist
You know you will get burned if we go on
Yet you are so brave to insist to go on

When I first met you, you knew about my intentions
You told me yours and I took you with no inhibitions
We are doing this as two consenting adults that is the truth
The two of us together is a combination that is no good

You know that one flicker is all we need
I will take you in me and I know you will like it
Then I blow you for all your worth
A cycle we continue until we are spent both

When it is time you reach your end
I have to let go of you before I too get burned
I promise to be gentle in tossing you away
You have to go now, no more reason for you to stay

After all that is said and done
Nothing can be undone
I will say this loudly and repetitively just like a chant

“For the love of my lips and my lungs,
I am quitting smoking this instant!”

My Final Test

My final test to know that the infatuation I have towards someone is nipped to the bud is if when I see that someone again I will be nonchalant about the whole thing. Totally civil yet I will feel no elation or uneasiness stirring in my chest upon seeing the person in the eye. It is when I find myself in the same room with that person yet his presence is as trivial as the shade of white plastered on the wall of the room.

“Hey Joaqui! Salcedo weekend market tomorrow, alright?”

Yes! After you guys cancelled for a couple of weeks now I really want to go. I miss the food there already! And I want some produce for some salad over the weekend.

“And oh, he will be joining us. We’ll meet you in Ayala, okay?”

“Ahmmm… I can’t. I might be meeting with errrr, my friends from my hmmm... previous work. They invited me for ahmm breakfast somewhere I’m not really certain where,” I replied.

Thinking that he does not cross my mind that often anymore, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that it is my friend that he is into and I cannot make his heart beat for me as much as I long that to happen, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that when I hear his blurry voice bearing with concern and love when he talks to my friend over the phone I am unscathed, I convinced myself that I am okay.

But I will be a fool to think that I can convince myself with my own lies.

The thought of him being tossed inside the whirlwind world of a commitment phobic and natural player antics of my friend still pricks my heart. That at times even the mere mention of his name sends a tug to my heart that is enough to make it swell with joy and hurt at the same time. That sometimes just the thought of him near me sends a subtle panic to my entire system.

As much as I want to convince myself, I know I am still not ready for my final test. This is a test I cannot afford to fail for the desire to pass this is not merely for my own selfish reasons. The desire to pass this final test transcends my own needs for self preservation. The desire to pass this final test is to keep that friendly relations despite a threat by some silly infatuation.

The Lyrics

The room was in the usual chaotic state. The muted yellow walls and the really bright lights were so uninspiring. However, the white screen was continuously filling up with letters then with words then eventually with lines burdened by heavy emotions.

I should be happy
That he is not taking you seriously
I should be happy
That you are just one of the many
I should be happy
That you aren’t exactly who he fancy

I should be happy
but I am not.

Then I paused. I went a little further elaborating the pain I was feeling inside. I continued explaining that

If that fatal day comes
I will cry as you cry
Bruise as you bruise
Bleed as you bleed

Line after line it went on. Streams of emotions converted to letters and words carefully woven together to bring justice to the feelings they represented.

Then I stopped.

I went over the piece to check for revisions. I read word for word, line per line delicately looking for ways to make it better. Unexpectedly, as I went on it felt like a gum slowly losing its zest with every bite. When I indulged further it left nothing more than a bad taste in the mouth. The entire piece became stale.

I added some letters
I changed some words
I rewrote some lines
I deleted some stanzas

All these efforts were useless. Every word served their purpose. Every line has proven their point. I realized that the lyrics needed no alterations at all. It’s just that the lyrics no longer validate my current emotions.

EB

He distinctly said he was not interested at all
“Just friends, maybe” he told me over the call

I said I’ll be there, for sure
But I didn’t expect such feelings would conjure

When I saw you, that was when it started
Talking to you made me more interested

He was there too, all timid and nice
I was just there to bring on the spice

Without expectations it happened
To be more than friends, that’s what I wanted

But clearly he was the apple of your eye
And the efforts you showed cannot deny

To you I am just his friend
He tagged along if he wanted it to end

He told me he is not ready for a commitment
Not to hurt you was the agreement

He assured he won’t and that was enough
Enough for me to make a big step back

I will be happy if you will be happy
Even if it will be not by me

However, if he decided to stand by his word
And direct you to my world

As strong as my feelings for you inside
My own rules I must abide

He is my friend and that will stay
My feelings for you will have to go away

For your decision was sound and clear
It was him you wanted near

That was your decision from the start
And I will not be your second tart

Too Much Drama Killed the Cat

He stood up and left the room. He walked with heavy feet yet every step was taken. He looked back for a moment hoping to catch one more glimpse of him. He then made his way as he picked up few treasures that reminded him of the place, that night, and yes, him. He walked to the door weakly still wishing to hear his voice asking him to stay. But it did not come. He left but not without giving in to a chance for a last glance of the place, the past year...the past.
He then drove his car, fast. He was convinced he could run away from it all. But he was wrong. He stopped and for once let go of control. He allowed the rush of tears fall down his face. He can let all the tears in his body escape but still it will not give justice to what he left behind.

I felt how it pricked me. It was nothing like an ant’s bite as they say. It was much, much subtle than that. Then I felt the sudden gush as it smoothly and surprisingly soothingly fused with the thick dark red substance as if destined to meet. It was streaming gently but with growing intensity. It had a mission and in no time victory will be claimed.

And as if it was not enough, there it was placed fragilely on a royal velvet cloth.

Shiny as it was it knew no borders. The intrusion was not a quick job. It took its time to weave through layers of skin, muscles, tissues and fat savoring every moment. Every touch of rushing rubies was taken in with great pleasure. It knows triumph is right around the corner. Every inch deeper is claimed conquest but these are trivial. It went it for the kill and it will serve its purpose.

Jay

I went to Cine Adarna in UP Diliman for the first time to view the Grand Prize Winner of Cinemalaya 2008.

“Jay” was worthy of its praises.

The movie was undoubtedly Filipino but broke away from typical Filipino film making.

It was touching yet without losing the tang of humor.

A great watch indeed.

Next attraction: 100.

Untitled

Choosing to stay doesn’t necessarily mean to actually stay. More often than not, the decision is not yours to be made.

You are just one of the faces in the crowd that can be ignored. Yours is a name in the long list that can be overlooked.

You are, after all, just a speck in a vast canvass of painting. One of the best, no doubt, but a speck nonetheless.

You are dispensable. Just like a commodity easily taken in and snappily taken out. Yup, buddy, just like that!

Never over appraise yourself for you are setting yourself for failure. Always dream but do not assume. Yes, you can hope but do not expect.

It’s shocking to say the least to hear the truth that negates your reality. It is painful to accept it as your new reality. It is torture to remain unchanged.

Run if you have to. Scream you know you want to. Calm down, you need to… but don’t wait for the confusion, rage and disappointment to turn stale. Break free from it all.

Don’t ground yourself on something unstable. Spread your wings and believe you can do it. Magnify the mistake they will regret forever.

Show them your wounds carefully treated while you flaunt them theirs disgustingly undressed and left to bleed.

Let them feel the blood as it gently streams down their coarse skin. Let them savor their meager triumph decaying on the worn out paper plate they explicitly revere.

For vengeance is always sweet but sweeter with blood.

Daybreak Breakdown

They were dancing slowly while gazing at each other's eyes.

“Ngunit kailangan kong indahin ang lamig ng gabi”

They stopped then he raised his hands to touch his face and let him feel the warmth of his love.

“Ngunit kailangan kong tanggapin na wala ka na sa tabi”

Slowly he rested his head on his shoulders and they continued to dance.

“Nag-iisa, wala ka na”

He hugged him as if saying, “Don’t worry. I will be here for you.”

“Wala ka na, nag-iisa”

His angel like face replied without words, “But I won’t.”

*******

I know a fight will be proven futile. The blade reached its aim and my veins consumed all venom. I am going down appropriately for all the time I showed the world a tough front, I know deep within I am weak. With my armor stripped off I wallow into the dark pit of desolation.


***lyrics from Noel Cabangon's "Nag-iisa, Wala ka na" - Daybreak -OST

My Top Waiter Moment

While I was in the middle of writing an entry about this experience I had in high school, I got an email from a friend about “The Top 21 Waiter Moments”. For someone that gets distracted easily, I naturally put that entry on hold and started working on another one. I opted to write about an incident relayed to me by my brother which I felt should have been part of that email.

There’s this restaurant back home that I really love going to. They serve really delicious food, with fresh ingredients and laid back and homey ambience not to mention how inexpensive it was to dine there. It’s no wonder that it has been in business for so long now with an extensive clientele . It is safe to say that it is one of the best, if not the best restaurant in our city.

Being a Filipino restaurant with homey ambience, it was just natural that it developed a tradition that guests eat with their bare hands just like what most Filipinos do when they eat at home. However, if you are not Filipino and find it a little too primitive or probably if you are Filipino and just did not want to ruin your manicure, they would serve utensils upon request.

A couple of years back, a friend of my brother visited the city for some R and R. He then asked my brother if he can show him around. My brother agreed and created an itinerary for his friend. He then decided to make this restaurant their first stop to let him try some of our local cuisine. Like most visitors from the north, seeing how cheap the seafood was, he ordered almost all seafood dishes in the menu. From appetizers, soups, side dish, main dish and if there was even a seafood dessert he would have ordered too. My brother then told him about the tradition in the restaurant.

“But if you prefer to eat with spoon and fork, we can request for it,” my brother added as he was about to wave to the waiter to request for utensils.

“No, no. Mas masarap kumain nang nakakamay,” he interjected.

So he went on to wash his hands and just as he returned to the table the food was being served. When the waiter was about to leave, he saw that there were utensils placed on the table.

He called out the waiter, gathered all utensils and handed them to the waiter saying, “Kuya, hindi na kailangan nito. We’ll eat with our hands.”

He added with a smart-aleck tone, “Hindi ba kamayan dito? Kakamayin na lang namin.”

The waiter replied with a puzzled look, “Kahit yung soup sir?”

Bangkok Love Story

“What movie are we going to watch?”

“A pink film from Thailand,” he said nonchalantly then suddenly like a teenage girl who just saw her crush, he excitedly whispered, “it’s a love story.”

“A Thai gay love story, huh?”

“A Bangkok Love Story,” he said out loud with a smile on his face.

“Oh, aaahmmm… can we watch something else? Something that does not have “love” in the title or hmmm…in the plot?”

“Ah, yeah. Lay off the dark chocolates buddy. You are getting too bitter.” He said mockingly.

“Yeah, can you lay off the cheeses and corn and while you are at it, even the marsh mallows, too?”

*******

“What was that? And they call it a love story?” He protested.

“Great ending, ei?”

“Why can’t they be together in the end? After what he did, they should be together? That’s so unrealistic,” he bickered.

“Bangkok Love Story, a love story. I enjoyed it. Let’s watch it again?”

“Can we stop where it became sad?” He begged.

“Can we start where it became sad?”

“Sure, is that your death wish?”

A Tribute

Birthday is the anniversary of the day a person was born.

It was dawn sometime the ber months in a private hospital somewhere down south, a bouncing baby boy was delivered to the world. He was fair skinned like his mother with strong limbs like his father; altogether a cute little baby boy. His mother rejoiced his coming while his father thought "He will be a great son." He was his brother’s answered prayer. An elder sister would have welcomed him too but heaven needed an angel so she wasn’t there.

In some cultures, it is marked with rites of transition.

It was almost dawn sometime the ber months in a private resort somewhere up north, a bouncy boy delivered the word. He was fair and skinned his soul in front of his mother and with strong spirit he faced his father; altogether he revealed he calls cute boys "Baby". His mother rejoiced his coming out while his dad thought "He's a great son!" He was answered by his brother with a prayer. An elder sister would have welcomed him to heaven but his family needed their angel so he didn't go there.

Life as I Learned in High School

You can agree or not but high school years will be up there on the list of the most memorable stages in our life. This is the time for puppy love, prom and even the first taste of vices. The monikers and those silly things that we did because of ignorance and puberty will be forever printed in our biography thanks to the memories of the people we call friends.

When I was in high school, I was called batman. Not because he was my hero, nor because I was as rich as him with butler to boot. Not because I am as sleek as him, nor because I have the awesome rides that he has. It is not even because I was as intelligent and prominent as he is but mainly because the cartoon version has a square jaw. Needless to say, so do I.

All the rest of my classmates have the usual oval or round face but I had the square one. It evolved to other name calling which were all evil but I have to admit funny too. I was not the type to take jokes easily then given this was during the I-just-need-to-be-accepted stage plus being the I-need-attention middle child that I was. I have to admit it was tough for me. I would spend days and nights daydreaming to be someone else. I tried to take away the attention from my jaw by having reading glasses and having the I-just-got-out-of-bed-sort-of-Harry-Potter like hair. Yeah, you guessed it right, it didn’t work. I tried to grow a pimple or two, still did not work.

I endured this the most of my high school years until I learned the secret on how to make it go away. I noticed that when they would tease me and I would show them that I am affected, the more they aggravate it. Then one time, with the usual teases they would throw my way, I gave a different response for a change. I gave them a smile as if flattered for every banter and I would even say “Thank you.” The teases did not stop immediately but it faded slowly. I guess they grew tired of teasing me because it does not get to me unlike before.

The secret that made it go away? Acceptance.

One day, I looked into the mirror and realized Bill Gates is not my father or the Sultan of Brunei. I do not have the resources to have plastic surgery done. This is the face given to me by God through the genes of my Dad; I will have to accept it. Yes, I have a square jaw like Tyson Beckford and Demi Moore. Yes, I don’t look like them but we have the same jaw line. Huh, take that.

In life, we have a lot of things that we cannot control. There are a lot of things we want for ourselves but are rarely given to us. Whatever it is that we cannot change, we just have to learn to accept it and we might even learn to appreciate it. We take what is given to us and just learn to go with the flow. After all, life is too short to be spent on bickering.

The Curse of the Green Shirt

After half an hour and a couple of failed attempts to make some sort of a connection with adorable PLUs outside a crafts store in Glorietta, J and D finally came out bearing the fruits of their quest to find the perfect material for their project. I asked them if we can grab something to eat first before we proceed to our next stop and all I got were smiles as a reply. As we were making our way around Glorietta, we chanced upon this shop that sells vintage-looking statement shirts which, coincidentally where J and I bought something to complete our Friday-dress-down-day ensemble a few days back. Upon seeing that J and D making a detour towards the shop, I whined like a child and practically begged them not to go in.

“Guys, I haven’t eaten yet. Can we just eat first and then come back here? Please?”

Either they didn’t hear me or they were in some kind of trance with the colors and design of the shop that they went in the store and started rummaging through the rack. Outnumbered, I went in and tried to share their excitement. They were already checking out some possible purchases when I saw this shirt which was practically calling out my name. It was a muted green shirt with dirty white print that says, “PILI NANG PILI NAUWI SA BUNGI”. Next thing I knew, I was standing next to the rack holding out the shirt for J and D to see.

“I hope this does not happen to me,” I said with pout and all.

They started laughing out loud as if we were the only ones in the shop totally ignoring my sincere concern.

“Ha Ha Ha. That’s totally gonna happen to you. Stop being so picky. When will you be in a relationship? When you are 40?” J said.

“Yeah, you are so picky. You set such a high standards.” D snorted.

“I don’t. I just want someone who will be worth the sacrifices I’ll make if and when I’ll be in a relationship, don’t you?”

Almost simultaneously, they both rolled their eyes and gave me the yeah-right and whatever-you-say look as they headed towards the fitting rooms.

I was about to ask the sales consultant if they have the shirt in my size when I thought I heard some kind of whisper, “Do not give fate an idea.” I immediately returned the shirt to the rack and stayed away from it as far as I could until we left the shop.

The Shout Out

The shout out I recently posted on my online social networking account caught some generous attention from friends with feedback to match. It’s totally unforeseen and I can’t believe a one-word-shout-out could stir that much interest.

All feedback, though unexpected yet truly appreciated, were filled with words of support and joy. However, I feel that I need to set things straight before everything will be seen in a whole new different light.

I would like to clarify the fallacy insinuated in most of the feedback. With much dismay to disappoint you my friends but in no way it was in reference to a brooding romance. Nor such is due to a certain knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet.

The shout-out that simply says, “inspired” is in reference to my continuous self-development and improvement scheme mapped out for this year.

I am inspired to further better myself. I am inspired to grow mentally and emotionally. I am inspired to tap my other talents. I am inspired to expand my horizon and try things I have not tried before. I am inspired to live life to the fullest.

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement; it just gives me all the reason to be more inspired.

Messages in my Inbox

The current phone that I have, a Motorola which I am not even too sure what the exact model is, can only hold a certain number of text messages. Unlike my Nokia phone, this Moto phone would constantly alarm me when I am nearing to get my inbox filled with messages. Everyday, it does that because I am the type of person that does not erase messages easily.

There are 3 reasons why a message takes my inbox as its permanent address.

1. The message, usually a quote or a joke, made some kind of impact to that teeny- weeny, puny, feeble, measly, little, small (I can still go on and on but I know you get it by now, hehehe) emotional spot in my body.

2. The message, holds a very important information that I am usually too lazy to transfer to my journal.

3. Finally, it's a message I still have not sent a reply.

Here are random messages that are currently boarders of my Moto Inbox.

"R u bc? Nway, i now understand hw u felt wen u said u wanted 2 get out of ur comfort zone nd liv on ur own. m beginin 2 feel dat way 2, a nid 2 challenge dogma! Sigh!"

"I love you is 8 letters long. But then again, so is bullshit."

"Unit ***. Cityland Condominium, __________________ Makati City."

"Thought for the day: Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones to make. Try a different one each day!"

"You don't die from a broken heart; you only wish you did."

I am a Winner!

Yeah, that's what I am. You can call me that from now on!!!

I happily declare that the Battle of the Bulge is now over and I WIN!!!

It feels so great to reach your goal. I have set this goal last March and I was hoping that by July I will reach my target weight. It's so amazing that I got to the peak of the mountain even a month before!

Now, the real battle starts as I try to maintain my weight. I constantly weigh myself and check what I eat. It's not as stressful as it seems. In fact, I enjoy it tremendously. It feels good to be at my ideal weight.

I still have to lose some inches in my mid section but I have nothing but optimism that I can have that 6 pack abs that I am wishing for. Soon, my friends, soon. :)

Everything seems to be falling into place. Well, at least in this department.

As I mentioned, this is just the beginning. More self development and improvement to come.

The Best is Yet to Come

I have nothing but optimism as I anticipate the coming of the rest of 2008.

Settling In

Last week, I moved in to the place I now call home here in Manila. It is a 3-bedroom condominium unit that I share with a few friends from my hometown. I occupy one of the 2 smaller rooms with a room mate. I don't mind sharing a place with these people because I have known most of them from way back. Most of them were part of the Puerto Galera trip recently that was super fun to say the least.

The place is settling more than anything else. I have taken out most of my stuff from the suitcase for the first time in a little over a year. Something I have never done in the place where I stayed prior here. Before, my clothes remained in the suitcase and laundry bags and I learned to live that way. That's why it was a pretty weird feeling to set aside the suitcase for a while. It still encases some of my stuff that I don't use anymore that I am planning to bring home when in August. I cannot believe how many clothes I have that I don't actually use. They are just excess baggage that I don't really need. So for now, they remain inside the confines of the suitcase and set aside for good.

Not just for clothes but for the stuff in our life that we do not need, we must learn to carefully choose, encase them and set them aside. If we carry these excess baggage, they will only bring us down. Remember, it will be hard to rise when heavily burdened by things you do not need.

I am Homeless.

I never ever in my entire whole life imagined that there will come a time that I will be "homeless". It is something I would imagine for those who I see on the streets of Manila, wearing gray shirt when originally it should be white, with hair equivalent to a nightmare to a hair stylist and the look of a total mess. I know I am far from that but unfortunately, it seems like I am one of them... homeless.

I just got booted out from where I live. I was supposed to be with a group of friends, however that planned did not work out for some reason God can explain. I then decided to move to this studio type apartment in QC that's so calling out my name when I first saw it. However with God's grace, it did not push through. Thus, now me being homeless.

I know this won't be for long because I declare and conspire with the forces that rule this world that soon I will live in a very nice place and I will look back at this moment in my life with a smile on my face and an understanding why it had to happen.

Staying Calm Amidst Plans Going Haywire

It's amusing more than irritating how at times when everything seems to fall into place, the Big J has His ways to shake things up just to remind you your place in this world. Just when you thought that your plans are running on its rightful path, suddenly you will reach a point when it's not so clear anymore because of an unexpected hurdle placed in front of you. For most people, the easier route is to turn back and just curse the heavens above. It would make sense to stay awake all night and question why such misfortune could happen when you have been nothing but good all year. But for me, I realized, I may have been too serious all the while and He thinks that I just need a little laugh as I go along my way.

More Blogs to Come

Today, I have decided to take this "blogging thing" a little more seriously.

As part of my self-improvement plan this year, I will "try" to further develop my writing skills, which was in hiatus mode for quite some time now.

So, I summon all muses to visit me regularly for me to keep up with this.

Friends from the Past

I was with my friends from my previous company a few weekends back. It's amazing how we were able to remain friends after half of us already left the company. The other half are still with the company but are already contemplating on leaving.

These friends of mine are the people who showed me that it was ok to spend most of your hard earned money for yourself. Thus, me not having any savings when I went back home after resigning. We would often dine out after work even when we can just go home and fill our stomachs with home cooked meals.

Food. That's the main attraction of all our bonding moments. When we get together, it would not be complete if we will not eat. Eating is our favorite hobby. That explains why 2 of the thin girls before, Jac and Pau, are now humongous. I am not even exaggerating. Their girths may have changed but they remain the same as I've known them way back. Jac is till the princess that we knew and Pau is still the level headed, matured even, in the group. I am not surprised that she was the first to be promoted in our group.

The other 2 youngsters are 'lil girl aka Anj and the ever Fashionista, Perky and Kikay Pam. Anj is the youngest looking but not necessarily the most youthful in us. She may deceive you with her looks. She literally looks like a grade school student. I am not kidding. She buys her clothes in children's wear. Hush Hush Hush. Her size is so adorable that if you will see her, you can't help it but think that she is the most adorable thing in the world. Pam is the youngest in the group yet the tallest among the girls if I'm not mistaken. She is so trendy and very exciting. The things that come out of her mouth are not short of humor. She's very funny. Though at times her humor collides with the other humorous girl in the group, Jac.

Rys, the last member of the group who apparently is slowly breaking away. I am not sure though as to why but I just hope she stays.

Being with this group once in a while makes me realize that coming back here in Manila is a well worth decision. To be with these girls is like having having your favorite ice cream flavor when it's raining outside.

hot hot hot

Whoa! Is it hot or is it hot? It's really hot.

Imagine, from where I stay, the temperature could go as high as 40 degrees celcius. Isn't it too much? I wish we were back in December when it's breezy and cool. Oh well, I guess we can't stop summer. We just have to prepare sunblock and shades and embrace the heat.

To take things on a positive note when it's hot everyone is dressing up in very short shorts, and plunging neckline for girls and sando for guys. Hot bodies in a hot weather! Isn't it nice?

Happy people watching! :)

Colbie Caillat Mania

When I first heard a Colbie Caillat song, it was nothing special. It was OK I thought. I even thought that she might just be a one hit wonder and would only attract a few listeners. And I couldn't be more wrong than that. Sorry for my ignorance.

I just found out that she somehow started her career by posting her music online and millions of online surfers go to her site and listen to her song.

She has great songs. Almost everything that she released, like "Bubbly", "Realize" and "The Little Things" are all great tunes to listen whether during early morning walks or late night strolls. "Battle" is also very nice.

Now, I listen to her daily. Colbie Caillat is awesome!

Monday is a Holiday!

It's a holiday yet in a while I will be preparing to leave the house then eventually go to work. Well, that's the life I chose for me here in the metro --- to work in an industry that needs me even on a legal holiday. The rest of my colleagues will not be going while I have to go and do reports. Whoa! Nice, right?

I am not complaining. Like I said in my previous posting, I enjoy my job. It's just that it's one of those days when you just want to lie down and play lazy all day long. Soon, I will not be going to work when it's a holiday. That day is coming and I can't wait.

Until then, let me get ready and head off to work so that I can finish my reports early.

Weekend's Coming

It's almost the weekend and I am hit by the bug.

I feel too lazy to work. I have like a full day ahead before the weekend starts and it is such a drag.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my job now. It's exciting and it keeps me busy. Just the right kick for my sanity. It's just one of those days I guess that we all go through.

Summer is Here!

March is not yet over yet, I can say that SUMMER IS HERE!

You can really feel the heat of Summer even though the month of March is not yet over. Usually the month of April is the start of summer here but then with the scorching heat that the sun of March is giving us, it is an undeniable fact that summer don't want to be late this year.

So bring out those suntan or sunblock lotion, flip flops, sarongs, sunglasses and board shorts as we all welcome Summer '08!

Post Party Thoughts

I just came from an awesome party and it was so much fun!!!

It was a party by Zamboanguenos for Zamboanguenos. Well, it was really a Surprise Birthday Party for one of the new friend that I met through a common friend. Most of the guests, were gay, hot straight girls and some hot and not so hot straight men. Awesome party I tell you. We had so much fun! The food was great and the people were fantastic!

What was so amazing about it was that most of the people in the party are people you knew about back in Zamboanga but not necessarily those you hang out with and go to a party together. Most of the people there were definitely do not belong to the same circle of friends but hanging with all of them in this party was really great. The boundaries were broken down and we were socializing as if we have been doing this for a very long time. Although there was really just about 2 degrees of separation among us back in Zamboanga but believe me, back home it was such a distant separation. The people in the party were those who attended the same high school and college together. Some were like friends of exes of friends. Some were brothers or sisters of a friend's ex or a batch mate. It was nice that we were really talking and sharing things about us that we would not normally do if we were back home. We even got to know better one person in this party. Back home he wasn't really the talkative type. You could say he is timid and very introvert but then in this party probably with the influence of alcohol already, he was saying a lot of things and even confronting the other tenants of the building who were complaining about our noise. It was an overwhelming experience. Something that definitely I would not think twice of doing again.

Until the next time guys, it was truly a great weekend. Thank you!

Breakfast with my BestFriend

It was a gloomy Wednesday morning when I rushed to United Nations Avenue in Manila to meet up, well actually it was more of a "wake up" my best friend. She flew in the night before from Davao where she is based because of work. She'll have a seminar in Manila thus the 4 day 4 night stay in the Manila Pavillion.

Initially, the breakfast was not really part of the plan. I went there to talk about some stuff that I needed to let go off my chest. It was a perfect timing. She was scheduled to fly in and I got a text message that made me feel the lowest of the low. Thankfully, I got my best friend to talk to. She truly was a shoulder I can lean on when I needed one. Though we had a short conversation due to her pending seminar it was really helpful.

After the short conversation with my best friend, she invited me for breakfast at the hotel's restaurant. Knowing I was in the Manila Pavillion, I had some expectations. But I gotta say it was more than what I anticipated. The food was really good. I had to forget that I was on a diet that day. I did not eat as much as I've wanted though but then I think I ate more than I should. I was at the salad bar mostly trying almost every dressing they have available. Their pastries and desserts bar was also overflowing but I had to restrict myself from overeating when I know I'll be sleeping shortly. I had to inhibit myself from exploring the other bars because I might lose my battle with the bulge that I started some days back.

I just had to comment though that the mood could be better because everybody seems to be a little too gloomy when the place is shining with the lights. But oh well, it was the morning what do you expect.

Generally it was a good experience. The meeting with the best friend after approximately 3 months of not seeing each other was really uplifting. And the breakfast buffet in one of the most well regarded hotels in the metro, was definitely something I could get used to.