About Me

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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Promise: A Prequel

"I know you well."

":-) you know what I will do next."

"I just hope you do the right thing."

"I'll fade away."

Monday, October 27, 2008

Haiku For You

yet totally one-sided:
story of my life

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not Anymore

It was the usual for me as I was making my way to work --- the usual time, the usual mood, the usual route. Then you called. Now, that’s unusual. I was unsure in answering your call. I decided not to instead I sent you a message explaining why I can’t talk that time. This was the first time you reached out after some time so I asked you to call again but you didn’t. I sent another message, yet I got no reply.

After a while you called again. I answered. You were in distress. I was worried. You wanted me to meet you somewhere near your place. I seriously considered.

I have known you for more than a couple of years now and in your ways you helped me somehow. You were the stronger one between us two and I drew my strength from you at times. You were the matured one with your unsolicited advices. I remembered there was this time that I was close to falling apart and you were there to keep me intact. You had diversionary tactics that kept me away from my predicament, which by the way, were very effective. And for that I felt the need to be there for you --- as a friend.

We were exchanging messages and somehow you were hinting me of your problem. I gave you some words of advice hoping to help ease your trouble. I know you don’t drink a lot but you confessed on downing more than your limit. I expressed my sincere concern and I was thinking of ways on how to help you with your situation. I really wanted to be there for you and comfort you like what a friend does to another.

Then I got this message.

“Sex tau.”

Taken aback, I just stared at my phone. I wasn’t quite sure what to feel. I was confused all of a sudden. All I could muster to reply was,

“is that just why you wanted me to go there?”

I felt objectified. Suddenly, I felt trivial, arbitrary even. I felt I was tricked. I wasn’t sure anymore if you were indeed in a difficult place. You were down and low and I was offering you my hand to help you stand up from where you lay but you wanted to grab something else between my legs.

After a while, I felt bad for not being a friend to you but I was not the kind of friend you needed that time. Looking back, you did not need a friend that time, you did not need me. You just wanted a fuck. You wanted some 20-minute-saliva-sharing-heat-diffusing-bodily-fluid-excretion-after-some-heavily-humping-and-stroking solution but I cannot give you that. No, not anymore.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Green Light

Last month, I went to Bohol with a few friends and it was a blast! Armed with sunblock lotions with SPF 48 and 45, I enjoyed every single bonding moment under the sun. However, when I went back to Manila, I was dismayed to know that the lotions I generously smothered on my body were no match to the mighty sun. I still got sunburns and they hurt for a while that I swore not to do it again.

When I was getting ready for work earlier, I was delightfully surprised to receive a message from one of my friends from that Bohol escapade. We exchanged a few messages which went a little something like this.

J: Pssst.

JM: Hey, What’s up?

J: Nothing really. I just miss you. :) I am just looking at the pictures of us two. We had fun, right?

JM: Yeah. Sure, we did.

With a sweet message like that plus remembering all the fun we had, I will surely do it again without thinking twice. If and when we will have another getaway with maximum sun exposure, I will not hesitate to go. I will just need to find me another sunblock lotion with higher SPF though.

Yellow Light

This morning when I woke up and checked my phone, I noticed a message from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The message was not grand at all in fact it was very simple and even common nevertheless, it made me smile.

This afternoon when I sat down and went online, I noticed a message from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The message was not grand at all in fact it was a bit bitter and a little sweet nevertheless, it still made me smile.

This evening when I stood up and logged in, I noticed messages from someone I have been looking forward to talk to. The messages were not grand at all in fact they were hardly charming and at times even disconnecting nevertheless, I still smiled... after I gently shook my head.

Red Light

I stopped.

A red light gave me the signal to stop.

The light used to be bright green.
Then some seemingly trivial stuff made it red.
Those little things did matter to me.
Yet you treated them differently.

Now, I am unsure if I want to move forward.
The future seems bleak.
I am also very doubtful to step back.
I have had enough of that.

What I am certain is…

I stopped.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Just Before Midnight

What do you do when it sucks to be you?

It sucks that I am unworthy to receive what is given to me. And even if I am worthy, it sucks that I may not be ready to receive what is given to me. It sucks that I am even whining over what could be somebody else’s dream. And for that, the more I feel unworthy. I do not deserve all these. It may seem that I am ungrateful but I am not. I am grateful and I appreciate it… truly.

It sucks that what I want may not be deserving of what I want to give. And even if he is worth it, it sucks that I am settling for something less than what I deserve. I am more than a third of that you can give. It sucks that at one point I considered it. It sucks that I suck at the game I tried to play; the game that I continue to play.

It sucks that I may never get the chance to walk this path again but I cannot seem to make my feet stop. It sucks that this may be the start of what I have been waiting for but I cannot seem to figure out what to do first. It sucks that I do not know what to do.

Maybe I just love myself too much that I am afraid to get hurt. But if I truly love myself, I should allow myself to be loved. But should I, even if what I get is a piece of a whole? Should I, even if I feel that I don’t deserve it?

So what do you do when it sucks to be you?


If only I have the guts.

I want to take a bite of that apple and feel the sweetness of death. I want to touch that spindle and be in a peaceful slumber. Then one day, that fateful day, my prince charming will come, take me away and bring me to his castle far away. Just like a fairy tale.

Just like a fairy tale. I just want a happy ending. Not just for myself but for you and you as well. It pains me that we may have our happy endings separately. The happy ending drafted for you and you too may not have my name written there.

And just before the magic wears off at the stroke of midnight, I close my eyes and sit still to hear what my heart is whispering.

"You deserve to be happy and you sir needs to learn how to be happy."

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Just Press Play

Don’t play your games on me.
I know your tricks already.
I’ve seen you playing with my own eyes.
How smoothly you deliver those lies.

Don’t call me baby, please.
I don’t want to disturb your boyfriend’s peace.
Please learn to do it correctly this time.
It’s about time you reach your prime.

Don’t ask me that stupid question.
I know you just want some empty affirmation.
How can you ask me that over and over again?
Do you know that it drives me insane?

Don’t dare me to jump in.
I don’t want to dive in to a sin.
They may push it to be just normal.
But hey, I can still control this animal.

Don’t think I am like the others.
Clearly, you got it all wrong, brother.
It may seem to you that I’m about to fall.
But let’s just see who’s got who under control.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


Once again, it was the time of day when I do my habitual walk. So, I passed by familiar spaces with the feeling still of a total outsider. Each visit felt like the first time for me so I relish every stride with no need to hasten. Each visit differed from the last time and the last space. At times I lingered more than the usual and other times I leaped in an instant upon seeing no difference.

After a few stop over, I paced myself to the next one. I did not notice a new arrival until I indulged my eyes further and gave in to sheer curiosity. I sat down, staring at the space trying to absorb all I can without making any assumptions. I noticed some people took the same excursion and left some things behind to remember them by. I checked each one of them and was drawn to one that felt like talked to me directly. I tried to contact the person who left it there. I was stirred. I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to hear answers. I wanted to seek advices.

I scrambled to the nearest clinic to fulfill this sense of urgency but the doctor was out. With no one to ask questions to, no one to hear answers from, no one to seek advices from, I inhaled deeply taking in untainted cold air. I slowly closed my eyes and asked the questions aloud hoping to hear answers that will eventually transform themselves to advices that will hint me of what to do next.

I got no reply. I let it pass.

I just thought, maybe the answers I needed were out partying on a weeknight.

I again took in a mouthful of untainted cold air as I open my eyes wishing for the same effect when I spoil myself with damaged air. Unfortunately, my lungs knew better and it recognized the disparity.

So, I stood up though stirred I remain unmoved. I waited with no clear vision of what I'm waiting for. I waited some more until a wave of familiarity knocked me off my feet. This happened before. Different medium, different time, but very similar expectations, very similar demands.

I continued to walk but this time I took a different route but with very similar stride. I took one step after the other memorizing each stroke totally unmindful of the destination. It made me think again why I do my walks alone. I do not want to be pushed to reach the end prematurely nor do I want to be pulled by my hand to hasten the journey.

I like it slow for it gives me the luxury to enjoy the sights and sounds that adorned the way. Sometimes, when everything around me goes by so fast I put value on the journey. I try to enjoy every minute of it as I see right before my eyes how things fall in their proper places all in perfect timing.