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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not Anymore

It was the usual for me as I was making my way to work --- the usual time, the usual mood, the usual route. Then you called. Now, that’s unusual. I was unsure in answering your call. I decided not to instead I sent you a message explaining why I can’t talk that time. This was the first time you reached out after some time so I asked you to call again but you didn’t. I sent another message, yet I got no reply.

After a while you called again. I answered. You were in distress. I was worried. You wanted me to meet you somewhere near your place. I seriously considered.

I have known you for more than a couple of years now and in your ways you helped me somehow. You were the stronger one between us two and I drew my strength from you at times. You were the matured one with your unsolicited advices. I remembered there was this time that I was close to falling apart and you were there to keep me intact. You had diversionary tactics that kept me away from my predicament, which by the way, were very effective. And for that I felt the need to be there for you --- as a friend.

We were exchanging messages and somehow you were hinting me of your problem. I gave you some words of advice hoping to help ease your trouble. I know you don’t drink a lot but you confessed on downing more than your limit. I expressed my sincere concern and I was thinking of ways on how to help you with your situation. I really wanted to be there for you and comfort you like what a friend does to another.

Then I got this message.

“Sex tau.”

Taken aback, I just stared at my phone. I wasn’t quite sure what to feel. I was confused all of a sudden. All I could muster to reply was,

“is that just why you wanted me to go there?”

I felt objectified. Suddenly, I felt trivial, arbitrary even. I felt I was tricked. I wasn’t sure anymore if you were indeed in a difficult place. You were down and low and I was offering you my hand to help you stand up from where you lay but you wanted to grab something else between my legs.

After a while, I felt bad for not being a friend to you but I was not the kind of friend you needed that time. Looking back, you did not need a friend that time, you did not need me. You just wanted a fuck. You wanted some 20-minute-saliva-sharing-heat-diffusing-bodily-fluid-excretion-after-some-heavily-humping-and-stroking solution but I cannot give you that. No, not anymore.

22 comments:

Chyng said...

Ganun?! That's the reason for an early emergency call? How rude!

Well, hayaan mo siya sa problema niya for all of his life!

joaqui_miguel said...

@chyng: I was schocked when I got that message. Somehow, it felt like an insult.

Lance said...

Ur past with him must have been complicated, i suppose.

na mimiss ka lang niya siguro...sa bisaya pa na, "Nag-ulag"..hahaha!

but it's good that you know when to draw the line..

RainB said...

i know this will come across as a naughty question:

But why not?

Nah, don't mind answering that.

Mugen said...

I know that sex is a great healer. It assures you of the comfort and attention of some other body aside from yours.

But to be used for such gain is indeed a bit heartbreaking. Masakit malaman na kailangan ka lang ng isang tao para sa kanyang karnal na pangangailangan.

Badtrip yun.

joaqui_miguel said...

@lance: Yes! Very complicated!

@rainb: Okay, I won't answer that. hehehe

@mugen: Yeah, somehow I felt bad that I wasn't able to be a friend. But that's not what he needed that time. It will be just band-aid to his wound. He needed a deeper healing.

Bryan Anthony the First said...

talk about diversions huh!

hmmm objectify back!

wanderingcommuter said...

O-U-C-H!!!

ito yung masakit eh when you felt that you are trying to do one noble thing to someone, then you'll end up knowing s/he is just going to use you...argh!

KRIS JASPER said...

well, lets face it... That person is down and shattered and in need of someone to erect him back.

get it? erect!

lol (joke lang).

joaqui_miguel said...

@Bryan Anthony the First: One of these days, I might. lol

@wandering commuter: My sentiments exactly!

@kris jasper: lol I'll let his other friends erect him back. ;)

Turismoboi said...

ouch

joaqui_miguel said...

@turismoboi: I know.

TENTAY™ said...

I got here dahil sa ad ni chyng sa isang comment sa isang blog...

anyways..

self control. nakakainsulto nga ung ginawa sayo. bakit pag sa ibang point of view na kwento nakakainsulto. pero pag sakin nangyare, tatanga tanga ko?

joaqui_miguel said...

@tentay: Thanks for dropping by!

You are very welcome to come again. :)

onatdonuts said...

ganuon pala yun...akala ko kailangan niya ang masasandalan sa oras ng problema. Yun pala, iba..nakakalungkot naman, dahil dalisay ang iyong pakay na puntahan siya. Yun pala gusto lang niya ng makapagbibigay ng ereksyon sa tore ni babel hahaha joke hahaha

isa kang mabuting kaibigan...hayaan mo nalang siya muna mag-isa.

joaqui_miguel said...

@onatsdonuts: Thanks. :)

Chyng said...

hope you dont mind me mentioning your name and site. ;)

kiel said...

kahit nakaka-insulto, look at the brighter side:

you are yummy enough to be a sex object.

so maglaway na lang sya...

joaqui_miguel said...

@chyng: Sure, that's no problem at all. :)

Thanks so much! :)

@kiel: lol Hmmm... That's one way of looking at it. :)

Thanks for dropping by. You are welcome to return. :)

Aris said...

akala niya siguro nasa g4m siya. sana doon na lang siya nagyaya.

hindi niya ba alam na madaling maghanap ng sex pero mahirap maghanap ng tunay na kaibigan?

RainB said...

Ganito:

If i will post here a comment that runs along the lines of 'hey dude, are you free... sex tau!"

Then, I would understand if you feel offended, objectified, trivialized even! Decent people like you consider this an insult, people like me consider this an affirmation. Hehehe, but never mind.

But maybe there is a historical context that underlines this post, so I don't get the hang of your dejection. I just thought that it was his way of reconnecting with you.

If we had a pleasant affair in the past, and I am in a state of angst and depression right now. I would also text you that, not because I look at you as an object, but because my sexual experiences with you have been so comforting and life-giving that I want to taste it again. Sex with you might be healing balm for me.

Kaya sabi ko, "Why not?"

joaqui_miguel said...

@aris: True that. :)

@rainb: I understand. ;) I tried to reconenct with him several times but he never replied. I may be the best lover he had, but I am a way better friend. So I offered the best of me because I know him and sex will not solve his problem. Instead, I think, it will only aggravate the whole situation.