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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Friday, August 29, 2008


At 3:49 in the morning, I am sitting in front of my computer with the welcome page of my email account laid before my eyes.

It has been more than 24 hours when I last sent a message your way yet after checking my mailbox triple the times than I usually do in a day I am frustrated to see no response. It was just the other day we were sending messages back and forth as if we were just communicating through instant messaging. This change puzzles me a bit.

I gather all frustrations as I inhale deeply then release them all in one hearty exhale. Feeling a lot lighter now, I smile.

It’s funny how mystery can be so engaging.
I don’t know you yet I long to hear from you.

You are not obliged to respond at all.
Yet I hope you obligate yourself to do so.

As always, no one else to blame why I am in this predicament.
No one… just me, myself and I for hoping… for expecting.

Now, as the bold blue letters from the screen in front of me shout,

0 message(s) received

I whisper to myself with a smile lightly glazed with pain,

“Yes, I get the message."

Man in White

After watching some overrated Hollywood film which I barely remember the title now, we went to the food court to grab a bite. I would have wanted to go somewhere else but then I was late in our rendezvous earlier so that waived my privilege to have the final say. With the waves of people in the food court around that time, we surfed our way to the long line of the stall that sells this famous local cold dessert. With my friend in line to order, I made myself useful by finding us a spot where we can enjoy this sumptuous dessert.

I was scanning for a nice spot for us when I saw this vision in white. He was wearing a plain white shirt, dark denim pants and the ever dependable chucks. His face was flawless, I tell you and the hair, well, it was a little longer to my liking yet tossed just right to make it some kind of attraction on its own. His broad shoulders and well developed arms gave hints of his regular gym visits. (Un)consciously, I moved closer to where he was and tried to find a spot near him. I would hang around the adjacent tables waiting for the occupants to leave even though there were available tables a few meters away from where I was. I couldn’t help myself from looking at him every chance I have. And to my delight, our eyes met and it was glued for 5 divine seconds which will now be etched in my memory forever. I was expecting he would look away but he didn’t. I was probably turning red by now when he stood up, extended his arms towards me and flashed his very charming smile and said,

“Hi Joaqui! Kumusta na?”

O-M-G! Is he talking to me? Did I hear it right? Did he just call out my name in perfect enunciation? Why is he extending his hand towards me? Was I that obvious that I wanted to touch him? Can I just hug him instead? Is he talking to me? Is this some kind of divine intervention for me to meet my destiny? Is Cupid together with the cosmos conspiring to bring happiness and joy to my life? Is he talking to me?

After some awkward silence and eventually realizing that he was actually talking to me, I shyly replied while extending my hand to meet his and lock it in a grip,

“I am good. Thanks, you?”

He had a firm grip that I did not want to let go. When we touched I swear I heard the voices of angels singing a very romantic song in perfect pitch and this convinced me that this was arranged by the heavens above. I then felt as if it was just him and me there in that crowded floor. Then as if my eyes were playing tricks on me, everything seemed to be moving a lot slower than usual. My heart was beating so fast as if sending some weird binary code to him through that palm-to-palm connection.

“Suplado ka na ah!” He said jokingly simultaneously releasing the grip.

I gave a weak laugh combined with extremely wide smile, just enough to make me look a like a retard then followed by the words,

“Hindi naman.”

“Sige, I’ll go ahead. See you around.”

“Sure. Ingat.”

"Ok, ikaw rin."

He gathered his stuff and then flashed once more his smile adorned with pearly whites and dimples to match. It was followed by a soft nod then he turned away and moved along. I was smiling so much that it hurts as I watch him get lost in the crowd.

Then with eyebrows trying to converge, forehead forming unflattering lines and pained smile transforming to a bratty pout, I stood in total bewilderment with only one thing on my mind,

“who is he?”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Daily Doze at Work

It has been a habit of mine to count the number of hours of sleep I had every time I wake up. If I slept for less than seven or eight hours, which are considered decent sleep hours for me, I make sure I get naps so that I will not be sleepy at work and I can forego my date with Mr. Pillow in the sleeping quarters.

Today, however, was different. I only had four hours of sleep thus I am so sleepy at work. I finished what I had to do today early on so I think I am entitled to do whatever I want to do in the remaining hours before I log off so long it does not go against our company values. I can doze off here in my station if only I have utter disregard to the feelings of my colleagues who are currently laboring to complete their daily reports. Or I can do advance work if only there are pending work that needs my attention. Or I can go to the sleeping quarters for a tryst with Mr. Pillow if only there is a vacant bunk for me which I am certain there is none at around this time. Or I can have a cup of coffee and cigarettes if only I have not restrained myself from those addictions. Or I can have my daily fix of the blog world if only I did not take care of that earlier.

I could never get enough of blogging so I opted to indulge myself some more with blogs. Since I already visited and commented on the blogs I frequent, I am cornered to write a new entry for my own. It will be nothing like the previous entries. No rude awakenings or life realizations. No memorable experiences or quotable quotes. This will be a regular one just to keep me awake.

Forgive me if this is bland and scrambled-egg like in thoughts.

I just needed to be awake.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


I am doing this to you because I crave for your attention.
I have shown hints yet you totally brush it aside.
Instead you went after my better looking friend.
Instead you hang out with my other friend.
I don’t understand why you didn’t choose me.

We did spend time together yet I had to pay dinner for that.
We did go out together yet I had to pay your drink that night.
I have had enough of the waiting game.
Get a taste of my vengeance for it is sweet just like you like it.

I will embarrass you in front of many people.
So what if I will get unnecessary attention?
I’m an attention whore, didn’t you know?

Class? Courtesy? Respect? What are those?
Don’t distract me with foreign lingo.

Joaqui_Miguel, you are going down!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Side Table Note

I’m done.
I’m spent.
I’m empty.

I tried everything to experience a different fate.
I did all I can do just to steer clear from this path.
Unfortunately, I failed... failed miserably.

That is why I’m here,
rambling instead of celebrating.
Lying with my precious rubies drenched in white linen.

I’m tired.
I’m sick.
I’m bored.

I trace the very steps I have avoided for years.
I feel in my very core what I have felt ever since.
Now, I can say I did give it a try but it is the same.

Nothing is changed.
Nothing made it better.
Nothing at all.

I feel the rush escaping my body,
running away from its confinement.
I have decided that it is time for me to go.

Ready or not, I just have to.
No turning back now.
Finally, something I wanted is really happening.

For all my life were filled with silly disappointments.
From my unwelcome conception to my mediocre existence.
My life was a waste of space and time.

I was dead before my death.
I was finished even before I started.
I will be going away before my time.

The consolation I get is the bright light I see now.
The sound of angels singing in perfect harmony.
It assured me that I need not fear.

I will be welcomed there.
I know I will be taken in.
I will finally be loved.

How could I not be?
I ought to have a happy ending.
After all I went through, I deserve it.

As I take your applause proudly.
As I tearfully do my final walk.
I wave to all of you who cared.

I say “Thank you” for caring.
I say “I’m sorry” for not.
Enough words, enough jargon.

I bid farewell to you and you Sir as well.
I crossover with a simple thought and a smile.
Happiness is just 3 inches deep and 1 centimeter wide.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My Addictive Affair

I promised not to get near you ever again
I promised not to think of you again even
I promised to fulfill my promises to myself
Yet, once again, failure I accept

Standing before you now, weak and resigned
All of my pride painfully I unbind
Just so I will be able to touch you again
Just to take you in me once again

One touch is all it takes and you know I am yours
You will be welcomed and cradled in my hands of course
As our lips reunite I know I have reached a point of no return
I want you here and now, and I am not concerned

As always you are warm in my hands
And that familiar feel on my lips, I cannot resist
You know you will get burned if we go on
Yet you are so brave to insist to go on

When I first met you, you knew about my intentions
You told me yours and I took you with no inhibitions
We are doing this as two consenting adults that is the truth
The two of us together is a combination that is no good

You know that one flicker is all we need
I will take you in me and I know you will like it
Then I blow you for all your worth
A cycle we continue until we are spent both

When it is time you reach your end
I have to let go of you before I too get burned
I promise to be gentle in tossing you away
You have to go now, no more reason for you to stay

After all that is said and done
Nothing can be undone
I will say this loudly and repetitively just like a chant

“For the love of my lips and my lungs,
I am quitting smoking this instant!”

Saturday, August 9, 2008

My Final Test

My final test to know that the infatuation I have towards someone is nipped to the bud is if when I see that someone again I will be nonchalant about the whole thing. Totally civil yet I will feel no elation or uneasiness stirring in my chest upon seeing the person in the eye. It is when I find myself in the same room with that person yet his presence is as trivial as the shade of white plastered on the wall of the room.

“Hey Joaqui! Salcedo weekend market tomorrow, alright?”

Yes! After you guys cancelled for a couple of weeks now I really want to go. I miss the food there already! And I want some produce for some salad over the weekend.

“And oh, he will be joining us. We’ll meet you in Ayala, okay?”

Ahmmm… I can’t. I might be meeting with errrr, my friends from my hmmm... previous work. They invited me for ahmm breakfast somewhere I’m not really certain where,” I replied.

Thinking that he does not cross my mind that often anymore, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that it is my friend that he is into and I cannot make his heart beat for me as much as I long that to happen, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that when I hear his blurry voice bearing with concern and love when he talks to my friend over the phone I am unscathed, I convinced myself that I am okay.

But I will be a fool to think that I can convince myself with my own lies.

The thought of him being tossed inside the whirlwind world of a commitment phobic and natural player antics of my friend still pricks my heart. That at times even the mere mention of his name sends a tug to my heart that is enough to make it swell with joy and hurt at the same time. That sometimes just the thought of him near me sends a subtle panic to my entire system.

As much as I want to convince myself, I know I am still not ready for my final test. This is a test I cannot afford to fail for the desire to pass this is not merely for my own selfish reasons. The desire to pass this final test transcends my own needs for self preservation. The desire to pass this final test is to keep that friendly relations despite a threat by some silly infatuation.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Lyrics

The room was in the usual chaotic state. The muted yellow walls and the really bright lights were so uninspiring. However, the white screen was continuously filling up with letters then with words then eventually with lines burdened by heavy emotions.

I should be happy
That he is not taking you seriously
I should be happy
That you are just one of the many
I should be happy
That you aren’t exactly who he fancy

I should be happy
but I am not.

Then I paused. I went a little further elaborating the pain I was feeling inside. I continued explaining that

If that fatal day comes
I will cry as you cry
Bruise as you bruise
Bleed as you bleed

Line after line it went on. Streams of emotions converted to letters and words carefully woven together to bring justice to the feelings they represented.

Then I stopped.

I went over the piece to check for revisions. I read word for word, line per line delicately looking for ways to make it better. Unexpectedly, as I went on it felt like a gum slowly losing its zest with every bite. When I indulged further it left nothing more than a bad taste in the mouth. The entire piece became stale.

I added some letters
I changed some words
I rewrote some lines
I deleted some stanzas

All these efforts were useless. Every word served their purpose. Every line has proven their point. I realized that the lyrics needed no alterations at all. It’s just that the lyrics no longer validate my current emotions.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


He distinctly said he was not interested at all
“Just friends, maybe” he told me over the call

I said I’ll be there, for sure
But I didn’t expect such feelings would conjure

When I saw you, that was when it started
Talking to you made me more interested

He was there too, all timid and nice
I was just there to bring on the spice

Without expectations it happened
To be more than friends, that’s what I wanted

But clearly he was the apple of your eye
And the efforts you showed cannot deny

To you I am just his friend
He tagged along if he wanted it to end

He told me he is not ready for a commitment
Not to hurt you was the agreement

He assured he won’t and that was enough
Enough for me to make a big step back

I will be happy if you will be happy
Even if it will be not by me

However, if he decided to stand by his word
And direct you to my world

As strong as my feelings for you inside
My own rules I must abide

He is my friend and that will stay
My feelings for you will have to go away

For your decision was sound and clear
It was him you wanted near

That was your decision from the start
And I will not be your second tart

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Too Much Drama Killed the Cat

He stood up and left the room. He walked with heavy feet yet every step was taken. He looked back for a moment hoping to catch one more glimpse of him. He then made his way as he picked up few treasures that reminded him of the place, that night, and yes, him. He walked to the door weakly still wishing to hear his voice asking him to stay. But it did not come. He left but not without giving in to a chance for a last glance of the place, the past year...the past.
He then drove his car, fast. He was convinced he could run away from it all. But he was wrong. He stopped and for once let go of control. He allowed the rush of tears fall down his face. He can let all the tears in his body escape but still it will not give justice to what he left behind.

I felt how it pricked me. It was nothing like an ant’s bite as they say. It was much, much subtle than that. Then I felt the sudden gush as it smoothly and surprisingly soothingly fused with the thick dark red substance as if destined to meet. It was streaming gently but with growing intensity. It had a mission and in no time victory will be claimed.

And as if it was not enough, there it was placed fragilely on a royal velvet cloth.

Shiny as it was it knew no borders. The intrusion was not a quick job. It took its time to weave through layers of skin, muscles, tissues and fat savoring every moment. Every touch of rushing rubies was taken in with great pleasure. It knows triumph is right around the corner. Every inch deeper is claimed conquest but these are trivial. It went it for the kill and it will serve its purpose.