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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

My Final Test

My final test to know that the infatuation I have towards someone is nipped to the bud is if when I see that someone again I will be nonchalant about the whole thing. Totally civil yet I will feel no elation or uneasiness stirring in my chest upon seeing the person in the eye. It is when I find myself in the same room with that person yet his presence is as trivial as the shade of white plastered on the wall of the room.

“Hey Joaqui! Salcedo weekend market tomorrow, alright?”

Yes! After you guys cancelled for a couple of weeks now I really want to go. I miss the food there already! And I want some produce for some salad over the weekend.

“And oh, he will be joining us. We’ll meet you in Ayala, okay?”

Ahmmm… I can’t. I might be meeting with errrr, my friends from my hmmm... previous work. They invited me for ahmm breakfast somewhere I’m not really certain where,” I replied.

Thinking that he does not cross my mind that often anymore, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that it is my friend that he is into and I cannot make his heart beat for me as much as I long that to happen, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that when I hear his blurry voice bearing with concern and love when he talks to my friend over the phone I am unscathed, I convinced myself that I am okay.

But I will be a fool to think that I can convince myself with my own lies.

The thought of him being tossed inside the whirlwind world of a commitment phobic and natural player antics of my friend still pricks my heart. That at times even the mere mention of his name sends a tug to my heart that is enough to make it swell with joy and hurt at the same time. That sometimes just the thought of him near me sends a subtle panic to my entire system.

As much as I want to convince myself, I know I am still not ready for my final test. This is a test I cannot afford to fail for the desire to pass this is not merely for my own selfish reasons. The desire to pass this final test transcends my own needs for self preservation. The desire to pass this final test is to keep that friendly relations despite a threat by some silly infatuation.

15 comments:

Mugen said...

Just like you, I will have my resolution before the month ends.

And I like your eloquence. Impressive.

Magsama kayo ni Roneiluke. Hehe.

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

hmmm.... so many questions... (but the answers are few?) lol.

di ba kanta yan?

anw, happy weekend and thank you for visiting my site.

boying said...

di ko na kelangan sabihin/isulat: the pieces will just fall where they may...

joaqui_miguel said...

@mugen: Hopefully even before the month ends, it's all history. A thing in the past that I can just laugh off whenever it crosses my mind. :) I wish us both luck! lol And oh, thanks for the compliment. I apprecieate it big time especially coming from you. :)

@kris jasper van dyke: Thanks. Don't mention it. I thank you too for doing the same. :)

@boying: I know they will... in time. I just wish it won't be long. :) Thanks.

CARLO said...

It's good you're writing it. In a way, it gives you a header before you act on things.

Ako kasi, may pag ka impulsive. Ayun... many times, I shoot myself in the foot.

It's very tough to keep someone (you once fell for) as a friend, and seeing that someone with another friend.

But you'd soon get used to it. Don't worry. You'll pass your final test.

Joaqui! Nag wee-weekend market ka? Wow! Fun!

joaqui_miguel said...

@carlo: Well, actually I think I already passed the test. Not exactly aced it but passed nonetheless. I might write about it soon or prolly not anymore. Come to think of it, the space in my blog is much more precious than an entry once again about him. (See, I am over him... almost! hehehe) He was at our [palce over the weekend and he is not worth it. I now cringe with the thought that I wanted to be with him. Yikes!

Yup, I do. Do you go to the weekend market, too? Maybe we'll bump into each other one of these days. :)

CARLO said...

hahahahaha.

I like your reply!!!

Some realizations must have happened. Eyes wide shut suddenly opened ba? lol

Sometimes, we get this feeling and big stupid question every after fallout - What the hell was I thinking back then? haha

joaqui_miguel said...

I just realized that I cannot make him love me if he doesn't. And if ever he will have a change of heart and pursue me then as I mentioned I will not be his second tart.

As Neyo put it "I am too fly to be depressed." lol

He made his choice and I will not save him from his bad decision.

It's starting to sound bitter so I'll stop. :)

RONeiluke, RN said...

hays, i think you're still in denial...bon't get me wrong. it's just natural to think you're ok but in fact you're not...it's the way how the ego desperately resolves conflicts...in 5 stages i think nasa first stage ka pa lang..ahehe...

anyway...

kung may patimpalak ang blog ko kung sino ang may pinakamagandang comment ay IKAW NA ANG PANALO! wow..thanks for the insight, and thanks for the time you had spent to think, and share your thoughts ciao!

RONeiluke, RN said...

im adding you to my roll thanks!

joaqui_miguel said...

@roneiluke: Yeah, could be true. Like I said, I think I passed but not really got a hundred percent score. ALMOST getting over him but not yet totally there. At least, I'm not being dragged back to where I was a few days ago. Btw, what are the other stages? hehehe

WOW! Thanks so much! I'll take that award! lol I appreciate it big time! :) Thanks, again.

Chyng said...

"The opposite of LOVE is not HATE; it is INDIFFERENCE!" - Desperate Housewives

That's the true test! (--,)

joaqui_miguel said...

@chyng: Exactly. That's where I want to be as far as this person is concerned. I am almost there. I can almost feel it. lol

Hate is such a strong word. It's beyond me.

Tristan Tan said...

great post. i passed the test recently and it made me feel sad and liberated at the same time. who knew that 2 years of hang ups would end just like that - uneventful, uninspiring.. anyway, freedom still feels good. ;-)

joaqui_miguel said...

@tristan tan: True. It's sad that after all those time, it will lead to something so bland as that but you just have to look at the brighter side, I guess :)
Mine is actually a little more shallow than that. Mine was just an infatuation over someone who I don't think even notices me. But all is well. There are so many fish in the sea and for sure I'll have my catch. :)