My final test to know that the infatuation I have towards someone is nipped to the bud is if when I see that someone again I will be nonchalant about the whole thing. Totally civil yet I will feel no elation or uneasiness stirring in my chest upon seeing the person in the eye. It is when I find myself in the same room with that person yet his presence is as trivial as the shade of white plastered on the wall of the room.
“Hey Joaqui! Salcedo weekend market tomorrow, alright?”
Yes! After you guys cancelled for a couple of weeks now I really want to go. I miss the food there already! And I want some produce for some salad over the weekend.
“And oh, he will be joining us. We’ll meet you in Ayala, okay?”
“Ahmmm… I can’t. I might be meeting with errrr, my friends from my hmmm... previous work. They invited me for ahmm breakfast somewhere I’m not really certain where,” I replied.
Thinking that he does not cross my mind that often anymore, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that it is my friend that he is into and I cannot make his heart beat for me as much as I long that to happen, I convinced myself that I am okay. Thinking that when I hear his blurry voice bearing with concern and love when he talks to my friend over the phone I am unscathed, I convinced myself that I am okay.
But I will be a fool to think that I can convince myself with my own lies.
The thought of him being tossed inside the whirlwind world of a commitment phobic and natural player antics of my friend still pricks my heart. That at times even the mere mention of his name sends a tug to my heart that is enough to make it swell with joy and hurt at the same time. That sometimes just the thought of him near me sends a subtle panic to my entire system.
As much as I want to convince myself, I know I am still not ready for my final test. This is a test I cannot afford to fail for the desire to pass this is not merely for my own selfish reasons. The desire to pass this final test transcends my own needs for self preservation. The desire to pass this final test is to keep that friendly relations despite a threat by some silly infatuation.