About Me

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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Not Again

Here I go again
I told myself it is over
I told myself that I don’t want you anymore
I told myself that I will be fine without you
But then I long for you

I get to see more of you recently
That’s why it is so tempting to go back
Back to when I cannot control myself
Back to when I allow you to be my happiness
Back to when I was weak

I know it is not right and I promised
I am doing so well now and I don’t want to falter
I just have to stay strong and stay away
You are evil and you know that
You proudly wear that badge


Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Don't Wanna

It started with,

“P? Are you still awake? I need you to knock some sense into me.”

Then it went on,

“…It depends on how much you are willing to risk for this guy, and if he is really worth all the paranoia the morning after.”

And then some more,

“Got ya. I was just stupid to think of a possibility when he was very vocal about him being in love with this guy..."

Finally, it ended with,

“Bad news Joaqui, bad news. Stay away. Negative vibes. You deserve far better. Be patient, okay?"

I got the last message while listening to Bamboo's cover of Waiting in Vain over imeem,

Waiting in Vain - Bamboo

…So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
Cause I know how to do my thing
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb…

I don't wanna wait for your love...

...I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I wanna fly
I wanna fly...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Chapter VI

Yes, now I move on
Lost interest completely
Ready for new one

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Chapter V

“Wow! What’s with all those stuff?”

J was shocked to see me barge in the room while he was attempting to look busy with his laptop in front of him, bags of chocolates scattered on the bed, some stuff which I thought look like from an “All 99 Store” with a pair of scissors on one hand and his phone on the other and a whole lot of mess around him. To answer my question he mumbled something about preparing for a weekend getaway with his team and arranging the gifts for their Monito-Monita.

“Exchange gifts? Now? It’s not even December yet.”

J started explaining so I pretended to listen and just nodded to show I cared. He then showed me the gifts he was planning to hand out which again signaled me to smile politely to show I cared. Then a picture of an innocent boy crossed my mind, prompting me to ask.

“What are you giving V?”

J smiled and he knew why I asked. He said that he will give every member of his team a chocolate bar, including V.

“He is cute. Was that really his boyfriend in that picture?”

His smile grew bigger almost teasing and nodded to confirm. The romantic in him started lecturing me that V could be truly in love with his boyfriend because clearly looks was bypassed. Then in an instant the cynic in him thought out loud that V could be in it for financial reasons.

“True love? Blah! Financial reasons? I doubt. His boyfriend does not even look rich. Not at all!”

He clearly got the joke and laughed so hard. He then started talking about V’s unfaithful ways. He reiterated that it could be not serious at all because V still goes out on dates. He further told me about their little conversations at work about V’s plans to meet new people. Getting a hint from his words I picked up a chocolate bar and handed it to him.

“Give him an extra bar! And tell him that it’s from me.”

He giggled and asked me to write a note for V. He handed me a pen and a piece of paper with some corny Christmas saying that he got somewhere online.

“What will I say?”

He continued arranging his gifts totally ignoring my question. I thought the message should be nice, simple and sweet but definitely not corny. It should be witty, a little flirty but still a bit classy. Pathetically, the best I could come up with was,

Extra chocolate for someone extraordinary like you. :)

J retrieved the piece of paper from me and asked me to close the door when I leave as to not disturb him from his tasks. I obliged, no questions asked. With a meek smile I closed the door behind me as I optimistically open a new door towards another attempt to find that crazy little thing called you-know-what.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Promise: The Finale

I broke away from the crowd to find myself a beautiful spot. I wanted to be separated from the rest of the world so I can enjoy the imminent coming of something magical. I was ready. I was waiting and anticipating for a magnificent show.

Magical lights flew from left to right. Flickers of light filled the sky as if they were dancers of a well rehearsed and wonderfully choreographed dance number. Violet, green, blue and red took turns to strut their magnificence in the early evening sky. I was amused and amazed at the same time. Every second brought little joys to my heart that I indulged willingly. When the beautiful sparkles threatened to expire, one final blow lit up the overwhelmingly dark sky. And on that glorious final strike my dull evening sky glistened with the magic, magnificence and beauty of a face of someone I was certain I saw before. It was the face of someone I will be meeting the day after. It was your face that my eyes saw and it was you that my heart believed will bring fulfillment to my little romantic dreams.

The dream that one morning I will wake up and it will be you and your adorable smile patiently waiting for me to open my eyes so we can start the day together. A dream that one breezy afternoon I will enjoy the sunset and it will be you walking beside me and holding my hands as we talk about everything and nothing at all. A dream that one night I will sleep in a warm embrace after a soft and gentle goodnight kiss and it will be your voice I will hear whispering to my ear “I love you.”

Yet just as how the wonderful lights vanished, so did the flicker of hope that it might be you who will fulfill my silly little romantic dreams. If only it was not complicated and if only I was not bounded by a promise to a friend, I would have risked it. It is just that I value that friendship and I put it on a pedestal much like how I raise up the value of romantic relations. I would never ever consider friendship second best for it is more lasting than some romantic relations. A friendship for me is not a step back but a move forward towards something rewarding and fulfilling.

Now, as I slowly but decisively blur you out my romantic snapshots, I will continue to look up to my dark evening sky and wait for the next blast of radiance that will show the face of that someone who will not only be present in my romantic snapshots but also in the fulfillment of my silly little romantic dreams.

Monday, November 10, 2008

These Days

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Before it gets ugly
Before it turns to something messy
Before it gets too much for me

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Because you are unstable
Because you are unpredictable
Because you are incapable

I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Now that I don’t understand you anymore
Now that I don’t feel secure with you anymore
Now that I don’t know you anymore

I'll say goodbye for the two of us
For I will be okay without you
For I will go on without you
For I will enjoy these days without you

These days the world's alright
The sun shines bright
I'm kicking off the bad dreams
These days I don't think twice
I walk on light
I'm positively somewhere

-These Days by Jennifer Paige

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Getting There

I thought it was an act
A front to keep people away
But it was not
That was the real you

All is clear now
I accept
I don’t care anymore
You are who you are

I expected you would
Like I did
But you didn’t
I accept
I don’t care anymore

I know you don’t care
I understand
I accept
And I don’t care too
At least not anymore

Flaws were bypassed
I placed you on a pedestal
I’m taking them all back
I see every detail now
And you don’t deserve to be there
I am stripping off your supposed grandeur
Well, at least in my eyes

You are who you are
Self-indulgent and often unmoving
That’s you and that’s fine
Or at least that’s who you donned
That’s not who I want
I was foolish, I admit

Now I can laugh at my stupidity
Now I can be me again
Now I will be seen clearly again
Fading away is passé

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Saving Joaqui

I’m fading away
I’m fulfilling a promise

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Promise: My Rainbow

"What happened to the entry?"

"I posted, edited, revised it then posted it again then edited once more and then revised it all over again. I did that for several times and ended up not publishing it at all."

"Is it that bad?"

"Nope. It's just prolly there is no need for me to fade away."


"... What happened to the blog? Why did you delete it?"

"What I wrote did not really translate what I truly feel. Somehow, I felt it lacked sincerity."


The initial entry for this was supposed to be published three days ago. However, as mentioned in the exchange of messages I had with a couple of friends, I decided to pull it back. Instead, the decision that I came up with is to publish the part where it mattered the most. I know, this may be a little hazy for those who are trying to paint the big picture but I hope you understand that it is done intentionally. Not that I don't want you to see the whole picture but because I am not ready to show it. Here goes the part where I felt laid the essence of it all.

After talking to a friend, I resolved that you will just have to be my rainbow. Just as how Doctor Mcfitch would put it, “someone who caused me to be foolish on what I see and feel, someone who made me embarrassed with affection and pain; someone I yearn for but I could never and would never have; someone who will be within my arms' reach but I would rather not touch; someone who will come and brighten up my new day, but will be gone when everything is clear.”

Yet if by chance the wrath of cupid will hit me and you, my rainbow, will land in the palm of my hand, I will have to lay you down for my hands are tied to a promise. A promise I will honor in the name of friendship.