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No expectations. No frustrations. Just light, ready to take flight.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Just Before Midnight

What do you do when it sucks to be you?

It sucks that I am unworthy to receive what is given to me. And even if I am worthy, it sucks that I may not be ready to receive what is given to me. It sucks that I am even whining over what could be somebody else’s dream. And for that, the more I feel unworthy. I do not deserve all these. It may seem that I am ungrateful but I am not. I am grateful and I appreciate it… truly.

It sucks that what I want may not be deserving of what I want to give. And even if he is worth it, it sucks that I am settling for something less than what I deserve. I am more than a third of that you can give. It sucks that at one point I considered it. It sucks that I suck at the game I tried to play; the game that I continue to play.

It sucks that I may never get the chance to walk this path again but I cannot seem to make my feet stop. It sucks that this may be the start of what I have been waiting for but I cannot seem to figure out what to do first. It sucks that I do not know what to do.

Maybe I just love myself too much that I am afraid to get hurt. But if I truly love myself, I should allow myself to be loved. But should I, even if what I get is a piece of a whole? Should I, even if I feel that I don’t deserve it?

So what do you do when it sucks to be you?

Die.

If only I have the guts.

I want to take a bite of that apple and feel the sweetness of death. I want to touch that spindle and be in a peaceful slumber. Then one day, that fateful day, my prince charming will come, take me away and bring me to his castle far away. Just like a fairy tale.

Just like a fairy tale. I just want a happy ending. Not just for myself but for you and you as well. It pains me that we may have our happy endings separately. The happy ending drafted for you and you too may not have my name written there.

And just before the magic wears off at the stroke of midnight, I close my eyes and sit still to hear what my heart is whispering.

"You deserve to be happy and you sir needs to learn how to be happy."

21 comments:

Abou said...

when the dawn breaks, i just hope you realized that being happy starts by being kind to oneself.

see the good in you. you may be luckier than this reader. but the problem is -- we always think that life is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Lance said...

Yeah. I can totally relate. SOmetimes I thought of these stuff too. I would think that this person is not worth my time and love (mga X..hehe). But now I realized that it's not after all about being worthy or something like that!
It's how you try to be willing to accept the other person as s/he is, despite the thought of unworthiness(if there is such a term).

and ugh..don't die.. i just created a post about how being emo indirectly affects being suicidal.. so beware! hehehe

cheers!

ArchieMD said...

This is the Meredith in me speaking: 'Lean into the fear and hope for the happy ending.'

How can you hope for a happy ending when you are too afraid to bite that apple, or touch that spindle or even take a look at that Beast in the castle.

If Snow White was not hungry and did not bite that apple, do you think she'll get the kiss from Prince Charming?

If Sleeping Beauty was not stupid enough to prick herself with a needle, do you think she'll be seen by her Prince in persistent vegetative state?

If Belle was not brave enough to enter the Castle of the Beast, do you think she would even have the chance to fall in love with him?

Conquer your fear before its too late.

Mr. Scheez said...

Emo moments ni Joaqui. =)

Hayaan mo, ilibre kita lunch minsan para makatulong naman kahit konti para maalis kalungkutan mo. At hindi ako laitera, kaya wag ka matakot =)

Mr. Scheez said...

Pahabol!

Talagang inspired ka ng Avenue Q, ha? =)

dabo said...

Im playing Better Days.. one of my fave videoke selections.. and one of my major philosophical influences

just be patients

dabo said...

ayyy.. be patient pala... hahaha!

ingat ka lagi..

the geek said...

what do i do when it sucks to be me?

hmm... eat chocolates and fall asleep?

hehehe

(please don't even think of dying. i tried that already.)

Mugen said...

Maybe I just love myself too much that I am afraid to get hurt. But if I truly love myself, I should allow myself to be loved. But should I, even if what I get is a piece of a whole? Should I, even if I feel that I don’t deserve it?

Sometimes I wonder, what is, love anyway?

the geek said...

@mugen

now, that's an interesting question...

RONeiluke, RN said...

"So what do you do when it sucks to be you?"...

change i guess... not your individuality but better yourself in the aspects that holds you back...

keep dreaming... we need someone to believe that there's still a happily ever after in this decaying world of broken dreams...

---

off the record, the voting is now open for the e[kwento]mo: emo writing contest. i almost forgot that i passed an entry—lamentations of a withered tin can. if you liked it, don’t hesitate to drop by this site and vote. voting will proceed until october 17 (friday). there are 15 entries from 15 aspiring emo bloggers. so if you have time, it would be nice if you check us out :)

http://kundiman.net/ekwentomo-entries/

KRIS JASPER said...

Life simply sucks. We tend to wish for something we dont have; but once we have it, we aim for something else again.

CARLO said...

I've forgotten to be genuinely happy except when I m with the only person who makes me happy. Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Abou is right. Mahirap lang i internalize.

Im back (again)

Bryan Anthony the First said...

death is cowardice

wanderingcommuter said...

tingin ko nasa sa atin parin sa bandang huli ang decision kung gusto natin maging masaya... although there are considerations to consider, at the end, its always up to us kung papaano imamanage yun...

joelmcvie said...

Wake up, stop dreaming of fairy tales. The real fairy tales are our day-to-day decisions to live life. We are fairies, and our lives are our tales.

Looking For The Source said...

hay. sorry ngayon ko lang nabasa. ngayon lang ako nagbasa uli.

we have been talking about this diba? kaya hindi na ako magcocomment.

pero since hindi ko mapigilan. nyahaha.

and its all about taking risks. hindi nmn lahat happy ending eh. pero at least you got to say you tried.

although at some point, we may find that we suck, there still something in us that doesnt suck. that's for sure. kung wala man, then perhaps change something that sucks to something we'd be proud of or something.

**shit. totally emo**

r-yo said...

i would have wanted to leave some thought-provoking, intellectually profound statements here, but no more. Just seeing that the great Abou wrote in flamboyant english just to lift your spirits surely tell you that life doesn't suck that badly. Right? :-)

KRIS JASPER said...

Hi joaqs, hope you are ok...

joaqui_miguel said...

@Everyone: Thanks so much for time and thoughts.

I greatly appreciate them. :)

For those who worry, don't. I am too coward to do death. lol

LhanDz said...

how sad.
i was teary-eyed after reading your post..

hay.. un lang nasabi ko sa sarili ko!