Just One of Those Nights

It started with a message from my brother last Saturday morning. Although it has been lingering for quite some time now, somehow I have learned to deal with it. But then sometimes the cup empties sooner than we expect. Now, I am back to where I was after watching Daybreak.

I have a family, though faraway, I know cares and loves me unconditionally. I have a very good set of friends that is always there for me. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. I go to bed alone. I sleep alone.

Tonight I will settle with Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan serenading me with ABBA songs with the hope of supressing what is imminently coming. I will be content with those adorable stares from John Lloyd Cruz and be lost and suspended from my own reality. Tonight I will survive with a bottle of wine left from a dinner date on my left hand and a freshly opened pack of flavoured cancer sticks on my right.

I know tonight will pass and it will gloriously end in a dream. And tomorrow is a new day. A new week, a new beginning.

And when the cup is threatened to be empty again, I will always have my wine and cigarettes.

I just wonder, how many bottles and packs do I need to last me a lifetime?

Better Than That

What is all these I am hearing?
The rumors are so condescending.
Where did you get all those stories?
Are they answers from your queries?

I cannot believe you will go to this extend.
Pushing and shoving me down no end.
I do not remember doing anything to you.
You better clear this up with your beau.

What I have with him is friendship, that is it.
In no way I will consider this a romantic stint.
It may seem that we have some sort of connection.
It is just that I can provide him mental stimulation.

Please back off before I get pissed.
You will not like it, that I promise.
You are barking at the wrong tree.
What makes you think I am the enemy?

I did not steal your boyfriend, put that on record.
He would not have looked somewhere else if he was not bored.
So, please stop going around saying all those things about me.
Isn't it you who have that kind of reputation, honey?

Quick Trip

I stepped in calm, collected and a bit tired as I positioned myself somewhere I can be detached from everybody. Impossible really but I looked for a place where I can be safe from the crowd. It was stupid for me to think that I can actually isolate myself in a place known to be jam-packed with people. Oh well, I needed this so I have no right to be, for the lack of a better term, diva-esque. This was nothing new to me. I have been here before with different kinds of people. Some of them I personally know but mostly were strangers. I have seen the motions and I even participated. This time, I conditioned myself, it was no different.

There I was, leaning my back on something cold and white, trying to relax as I get the feel of the whole scene. Minutes passed by and it was intensifying right before my eyes. It was just a matter of time when I will be consumed with the whole scene and be engaged in it all.

He moved in front of me. I was unprepared and unguarded. He was moving so close for comfort and I just closed my eyes in awkwardness. I opened my eyes to take a glance of his face but I was unsuccessful. He was approximately of the same height as mine and his built was something I envy. I breathed in taking in a bit of his scent which I thought could have been better. I glanced at my watch and then I understood. He probably sensed I was a bit uneasy so he apologized. I acknowledged his apology with understanding wrapped in silence. His voice convinced me that he was worth it and I needed not see his face to allow myself to be lost in the motions. I held on to that wonderful voice being replayed on my mind several times. His body was now rubbing against mine and I can just wish for time to stand still. Though we were both uncomfortable I would not mind to be stuck there for a few more minutes. I welcomed the warmth of his body dedicated to me when his muscle-toned back touched my tanned chest. His head was annoyingly restless that his coarse hair touched my smooth face. Again, it could smell better if he wished for it but then again, I understood. He mumbled words of apologies again which I accepted without complaints. When I heard his voice one more time, my imagination went on auto-pilot bringing me to my paradise with this man with me now. Then it dawned on me that anytime now, it will reach a fate similar to all trips. I opened my eyes with the harshness of reality. I squinted and frowned knowing that it was time. I closed my eyes again hoping I will be able to escape this reality but then that familiar voice reminded me that I won’t.

“Ortigas Station. Ortigas Station. Please don’t block the way of entering and leaving passengers. Next station, Santolan Annapolis Station.”

****

As I stepped out of the train, he smiled and apologized once more for the push and occasional bumps of his head to mine. I faked a smile in acceptance of his apology. He kept his smile and I was drawn to him. He had this nice smile and cute dimples, sexy jaw line and that Piolo-like mole near his adorable eyes. All in all reminiscient of Spanish Telenovela star.

“Sorry ulit kuya.”

I smiled back this time with all sincerity and I walked away keeping that smile whispering to myself,

“that's ok”.

Homework

Logged on.

Checked the account.

Noticed being followed.

Shocked.



Checked the account.

Gained interest.

Tried reaching out.

Failed.



Please check profile.

Please edit.

Please.

Smile

Smile.
It’s free.

I rarely see you smile lately.
I rarely see the guy that visits you frequently.

Why?
Is he gone?

I used to love him, you know?
Ridiculous really, I know.

C’mon, smile.
It’s free.

Show the whole world your beauty.
Do not sulk in this wretched tragedy.

How?
Is this your first time?

I was in your place before, you remember?
And you were in mine, I remember.

So c’mon smile.
It’s free.

Grateful

After watching some inspirational DVD a few days back, I learned to remain calm and positive even when things are going berserk. I learned to think of happy thoughts that will make me feel good then channel my thoughts to what I want to happen.

So when it is raining really hard on a Tuesday night and I just really need to go to work to catch up with all one hundred work-related emails I missed the day before, I just paint a mental picture of Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. Half-and-half. And just like that, it brings smile to my face eventually making me feel fuzzy and warm inside despite the coldness of the weather. From there, I begin to channel the imminent stop of the rain, the passing of an available taxi in that unfriendly street and the absence of that torturous traffic that rain and rush hour bring.

To my own benefit and amusement plus slight surprise, it was effective in some level so it is just proper to remain positive and be grateful for it. So as a sign of gratitude, I would like to give Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. Half-and-half credit for a great weekend, that great start of the week and hopefully a great month slowly unfolding.

Thanks Eli. Thanks you*.

*You told me you didn’t get my message and you were unsure if it was for you. After reading this, I hope you now understand that it was indeed for you. You were my happy thought that led me to have that wonderful weekend that I wanted. With much appreciation, once again I say thank you.

All in One Night

The usual Bed scene was at full swing when I arrived a little over two o’clock that night. It was crowded with PLUs from across the whole gay spectrum; from the newbies to the experts, from the softies to the toughies, from the obvious to the ambiguous. The music was expectantly fabulous and the lights were unexpectedly bright. Everyone was moving either lost in the rhythm or lost in the crowd and looking for their buddies. I weaved my way through the Dean and Trents, F&Hs, People are Peoples, Topmans and what-have-yous to reach my favorite spot. This spot gives me a decent view of the guys dancing on the ledge with gorgeous bodies and faces that makes you want to scream, “wow, dear god” to the occasional “why dear god”. As I was doing the routinely ocular inspection I was surprised to see three guys I never expected to see in one night, Mr. I-will-not-have, Mr. I- cannot- have and Mr. I-did-not-have.

*******

Mr. I-will-not-have is probably the best looking PLU I have ever seen. He has eyes that could melt your heart, smile that could get him a spot in a toothpaste commercial (with dimples to match) and skin close to perfection. His aura was so overwhelmingly humble when in fact he has all the reasons to be boastful. He was wearing what I thought he wore when I first saw him, a green polo shirt, denim pants and green cap. He was with a different guy this time but the whole motion was so reminiscent with the last time. His companion donned this expression of conceit for being with the arguably best looking guy in the bar yet every time Mr. I-will-not-have was approached by other guys he would shrink to a speck in an instant. More than a couple approached him that night but I was content to look at him from afar. I am contented with the occasional eye-to-eye contact that we have that does not fail to make me smile. Looking from afar, also gave me a clear view of the motions. He is not to be blamed if a lot of guys showed interest in him same thing as his companion is not to be blamed to feel conceit one minute then reduced to a dwarf the next minute in instances like that. For that very reason, I know I will not have him for I know I am not equipped for that constant emotional roller coaster ride.

Mr. I-cannot-have is a celebrity of some sort. I first saw his pictures online when he joined some kind of beauty pageant for PLUs. He has a strong jaw line, beautiful smile and smooth skin all-in-all totaling to a boy next door look yet his body would tell you that he is no longer a boy. He is a man with well developed muscular body and tattoos of what seemingly his dreams on his broad shoulders. I never knew much of him until I saw him in a reality television show. Although I personally think he looked better when I saw him in a shop of People are People a few months back, I still made it a point to catch him every week on the show and get my weekly dose of his smile, personality and body. I know a lot of people are turned off with him but I just couldn’t get myself to join them. He has this certain effect on me that transcends words. It is not hazy to me that we may be worlds apart. He is a celebrity and the closest that I can get to that status is being teased to look like one. I also distinctly remember him saying that he is not into long-term relationships, it just so happens that I prefer one.

Mr. I-did-not-have is an acquaintance I met through a colleague. He was one of the people I met during my baptismal to the Bed scene. He is kind of short yet he has a face that could make him stand tall. He has a smile that could make some guys swoon and his style was something most guys would like to own. Every time we meet we exchange casual hellos and goodbyes. Though at times I can feel some sexual tension in some of our unexpected encounters, I learned to brush it off each and every single time. When I was introduced to him he was then so into my colleague which baffled me no end. Now that their relation is estranged, I still cannot get past the fact that he first met my friend. I may be attracted to him still but I resolved that I am not my friend’s recycle bin.

*******

The music was getting louder and the lights were getting busier. I closed my eyes and let the loud music silence me even just for a few seconds. I submitted myself to the wave of the rhythm splashed all across the bar. I slowly moved my body and allowed to be consumed by the energy pumped inside the bar. Every bump of another body to mine fed the energy and convinced me to continue. Then out of nowhere, I felt a unique bump from the back. I felt the warmth of the body that was seemingly familiar. It had a comforting effect on me. I slowly opened my eyes and gave a final glance to the Mr. I-will-not-have, Mr. I-cannot-have and Mr. I-did-not-have. I then looked back and acknowledged what I have.

Happy Pill

My friend arrived from school one day and she was a little too perky than she usually is. She was going around with the “too-happy-vibe” slashing everyone with how are you?s in the most pitchy and bubbly tone ever, beating any fast food chain cashiers or sales consultants in high end stores. Imagine that accompanied with an annoyingly infectious smile and it was a little too much for me to bear. One of our housemates, probably overwhelmed with the whole situation took the lead and asked her,

“Are you ok?”

“Of course,” she replied as she turned to her next “victim”.

“How are you, Joaqui?”

This was the fourth time she asked me that since she arrived which was just barely ten minutes back. I replied each and every single time trying to match her “too-happy-vibe” resulting to an imminent migraine attack, stomach upset and tension from head to toe on my end. This time around, I answered her question with another question,

“Why are you so freakishly happy today?”

“Because… Hmmmm, do I need a reason to be happy. I just am? Am I weird-ing you out?”

“Ahmm… yeah?!”

“Why?”

“Because people aren’t supposed to be happy. Happiness is a myth purported by those who excommunicated themselves from reality. Being happy does not fit the status quo. People are naturally sad and they are to stay that way in their lifetime. So when you are happy, you are not ok. Ok?”

“That’s sad.”

“I know.”

She fell silent for a few moments convincing me that I was able to exorcise whatever bad spirit that took over her well maintained and pampered body that day. I closed my eyes for a quick second as I inhale deeply feeling the victory over the whole situation when four ungodly words pierced my ears in that all too familiar pitchy and bubbly voice,

“How are you, Joaqui?”

Damaged

Thoughts drown me in their multitude
as they undulate with vigor and range.
I struggle and panic to get release
yet efforts serve futile for I am taken in.

All in my solitude I am consumed.
All in my solitude I am abused.
I want escape and I want it now.
I may be ready for my final bow.

Head above water I grasp for air
not just the ordinary kind will suffice.
I need it unclean, corrupted and damaged
by some expensive strawberry flavored stick.

As I inhale I feel control.
And another one it reaches my soul.
I close my eyes momentarily to gain focus.
I close my eyes to avoid a view of a circus.

Enlightened. Pacified.
It stopped. It settled.
I relaxed. I smiled.
Once more, I survived.


***

This was written with TLC's "Damaged" on loop on my online mp3 player. I heard this song on our way back to Manila from Tagaytay last weekend. Although I haven't heard the song for a long time and this was not exactly the last song I heard but I found myself singing the chorus every now and then ever since.

Camille, this is for you. :)

Long Distance Affair

I never really cared about the glances that you threw my way once in a while.
I was keen on the others that paid me no mind.

Until one day curiosity hinted me of you.

More than surprised, I was intrigued.
Confused even.
You don't seem to belong.
Then why the attempted connection?

I played along and returned the favor.
We both played around with our eyes.
Until you became a habit of mine.
Too easily acquired yet difficult to break.

Eventually you stepped it up with a half-smile.

I just couldn't ask for anything more.

I will not ask for anything more.

Detached and guarded, that's what you are.
While careful and coward I settle.
We both understood that was the farthest we could go.

You showed your effort and so did I.
Yet they were all weak and undependable.

For you stayed there as I waited for you here.

Better this way, I thought

Stepping it up will make
your presecence common,
your glances normal,
yoru half-smiles annoying.

Better this way, I know

when your prescence is appreaciated,
your glances exciting
and your half-smiles satisfying.

You remain,

my lover from afar.